Caligan Courier/April'06

The Caligan Courier April '06

Price: Free to the SA N/A for the NA -----Caligan Monthy Battle Review----- Printed In Domus----- Editors: Talless; Kratos;Kamekaze

Well This Sucks

Well we lost in Supra today. I was wounded. I was also the last TL on the battlfield fighting for Caligus My unit was the last to retreat. Good Fight Guys!

Battle Results (5 hours, 22 minutes ago)
Your scribe has written down this battle report as a Scribe Note.
The battle lasted for 3 hours.
You have gained 3 Honour and 2 Prestige.
38 of your men were killed and 43 were wounded in this battle.
Morale of your troops falls by 23 points. Your men's equipment suffers 24 % damage. Combat training increases by 4 points. Unit cohesion rises 3 points.

Count'em 38, 38! Thats 38 Men that died for the sake of their realm. But in better news, I almost castrated King Eleran on the battlefield! In fact my men cut through that panzys men like hot sword through butter! That pervert tried to grab me but I knocked him to the ground. I was two inches away from slicing his manhood off nice and cleanly when his brother Edvard came in to save his balls....literally!

Also, the Itorunt Informer thinks we have some kind of treaty with them. They are apparently stupider than we first thought. Im starting to reget picking on them. Its like a big burly man hitting a small child.....

The Retaliation of Cartor

Now I'm not sure of Cartor actually read what the Itorunt Informer wrote, but he asked me to put this out, and seeing as he is my liege, I could not say no, so here it is, the retaliation of Cartor!:

This is so petty, why must you start to shout? I mean, I said what I felt, I said what most of us felt, in reply of what you said you felt. And now you feel you must start shouting at us because we replied? Last time I checked there is something like a 'Right of Answer'. Get some honour, you sound like little girls who are trying to pull eachothers hair out. I know this isn't one-sided, but you did start shouting the first, and about what? My attempt to stop us being mocked with for no good reason? We didn't touch you, we didn't mock you, and now all over the sudden you feel you must insult us, and when you do, you feel you have to shout at us for replying? Really, I wonder if you would risk losing what honour there's left by belittling this. Chapeau, really...

Honestly, I think he's dissing both sides, but I'm not gonna cry about it and tell him to shut up, in fact, those are some wise words, and if Itorunt has more than leaves in their brains, since they live in the forest, maybe they actually get something from that. Speaking of leaves in their brains, have any of you read their poetry? Well, let me tell ya, they are not going to be starting a literature revolution ANY time soon... Oh, and this shall be the last article completly dedicated to mocking Itorunt and its Informer, though I never said we're gonna stop entirely, just sub-entirely, make sense?

Let Me Correct the Misinformed Informer...

Quote from the Itorunt Informer:

P.S. Caligan Courier still can't spell view right!

Can't spell view right can I, well I just show you that I know how to spell view:

VIEW

I can also spell morons:

EditorsoftheItoruntInformer

Now what was that about my spelling? And have you nothing to do but look for every little typo My Scribes make? I used to write the spotless articles myself, then I recently got a scribe, complementary from an idea from Hireshmont, so that's where you error, so HA! Oh and find something better to do than perfecting someone elses work! I mean really....

Oh Itorunt Informer
Oh Itorunt Informer
Why have you stooped so low?

Oh Itorunt Informer,
Oh Itorunt Informer,
How low will you go?

You resort to pointing out typos,
And copy the OCPAU's format,
And as far as I know,
you're the OCPAU door mat!

That little number is complementary from Uncle Brom! How do you like dem' apples?

Itoruntian Idiotic Geniuses!

Anyone else read the latest issues of the Itorunt Informer? I'll admit, I took a look. After all, I'm one of their only viewers. They even changed their format! In fact it looked very very familliar. In fact, it looks just like ours! Strange, huh? Oh, it also mentions something about Cartors interview! It was a delightful little piece, I've never seen somebody twist the words like they did! Magnificient job! OH, and under their predictions, something about half of my men getting drunk and dissapearing? Well, so you know, they have famillies and wives to go home to, and they will also have a victory to celebrate, so I see that prediction coming true. WOW! They got one thing right! Yssaria did take Supra, duh, that's old news, but how long to you really think they're going to keep it, I mean come on, our capital is right next to it! Are you really that stupid? I thought the editors of the Itorunt Informer were just a little smarter than this...

More Predictions!

10)The Itorunt Informer Copies the Caligan Courier's format in an attempt to get more views!
11)The Itorunt Informer is going to write more garbage!

Oh wait. Those have happened! Are we good or what?

Supra joined Yssaria?!

Well folks, as much as I hate to say it, Supra is gone. After 6 days(turns) of brutality from Yssaria, Supra finally gave in. Several peasants gave their lives for what they knew was right. But they could resist no more. Don't worry Supra! We're comin'!

On the brighter side of things, we got some more preditions for this month issue!:

7)Doc's gonna throw more hollow threats at us! Yeaaah! That's always a favorite!
8)I am going to castrate King Eleran on the battlefield!
9)Yssaria abdicates their castrated king because he hasn't the balls to fight us!

Got any other preditions for this issue? Post it in the discussion board and if they're good enough, I'll add'em in the next article!

Turns out...

The new format didn't work. OH WELL! You can check out the monthly battle review here though: Caligan Monthy Battle Review

Interview with Cartor (Duke of Domus)

What are your Views on the Recent Fighting with Yssaria?

The recent fighting? I believe they have fought as one, and won as one. Only if we can achieve a battle like that, we can win again. Mainly they just changed tactics, and we are adjusting. Although their new tactics have payed off in battle, they make little progress. Supra will stand loyal to us for very long and will not fail us soon, Yssaria should take notice of that. Let's say we had some bad experiences this last week, but I see many devoted people to tip the scales back in our favor.

What are your Views on the Recent Interview with King Eleran?

Actually I don’t care about the interview, I haven’t read it and I don’t want to. I can’t imagine anything else coming out of his mouth but dum Doughnut jokes and proclamations such as “We will stop this war when Domus is taken, because there is no such place as ‘Home’” His brother was yet another corps, and he himself can’t be anything else than the next.

What are your Views on Itorunt?

Itorunt is either the leader behind this southern resistance or another puppet. I believe they are the second, they dance in Ibladeshian favor, and they smile while doing it. Although I had some reports concerning an authorithy clash between Doomgiver and an Itoruntian Council Member that clearly show Itorunt is getting sick of this treatment.

What are your Views on Their Newspaper the Itorunt Informer?

As my units name was, Itorunt Informer My ***, I will not say they are swines, I will not say they ‘make things up’. But they surely give the people what they want to hear, and if needed they’ll adjust the articles to reach that goal. Our newspaper can’t erase what they say, and they can’t erase what we say, we can only continue to quarrel and feel good for a few minutes waiting for their reply.

What are your Views with the whole ordeal in the north?

Sirion is weak, really, as a realm Sirion is way weaker than suspected. It’s real power lays in his puppets. They like to focus on an enemy, and then swamp over them with 4 to 1. Oligarch will make it, but its regions will be gravely destroyed. When Yssaria is finished, Sirion will cry when hearing about the day they declared war on us.

What are your views with the Perdan/Ubent and Itorunt/Ibladesh War?

Ibladesh is finished, Itorunt is the Great Savior, well they’re just buying time for those up north. Perdan managed to weaken the walls of Ibladesh City from a lvl 5 or 4 to only a 2, and now Ubent thought it was time to engage in full strenght. Ibladesh is finished, the best thing Perdan could do now is destroy the army of Ibladesh, ruin the regions, move to the North and let Ubent handle the TOs.

What do you make of all the recent rebelling in Old Rancagua?

I don’t really know, OR is totally messed up, they don’t know what they are fighting for, they don’t know with who they are fighting anymore. They just decided to strike at anyone in sight, so let's start a rebellion… I wouldn’t think further than that.

What direction do you think Kalmar Islands is going?

Direction? Nowhere soon I’m afraid, they’re stuck in a neverending circle. They have monsters to fight but no men to fight with, but they can’t recruit because their regions are in too bad shape, and the regions are in bad shape because the monsters are ravaging there. We send food to keep their villagers alive, as much as we can miss, but food aren’t soldiers.

Any other thoughts or statements you would like to make?

Itorunt, you are helping your dying master. Sure you can kick me in the chins in your next ‘Issue’, but I’m not going to be reading it, BTW what are you going to say: “Stupid jokes and nonsence”? Well, sorry I brought Eleran into this, I should have known you would want to bring him down.

Ouch! Thats a blow to the grion aint it? Then again, I wouldn't know, I'm a woman, but at least we all know how Cartor feels, and I'm sure he's not the only one in Caligus who feels the same way!

Well Here We Are!

And it aint even April! How do you (the readers) like the new format? For critics, shut up its staying this way whether you want it to or not! (jk) Well we got a new little column to upkeep the battles. Few things you can expect this month:

1)Interview with Cartor(Duke of Domus)
2)Interview with Queen Qwynyth?
3)Caligus takes Abadan!
4)Caligus takes Mashhad!
5)Caligus takes Hamadan!
6)The Itorunt Informer gets run out of business by the Caligan Courier!

Need I continue? It's gonna be a great issue! Last issue was a smashing success coming in with a final count of 650 views!(estimated) And you know what? THIS issue will top that and all of the Itorunt Informers issues put together! W00T W00T!