The Oligarchian Observer/Edition:8

http://wiki.battlemaster.org/images/Oligarchcrestnew.jpg The Oligarchian Observer
Cost: Free, unless, of course, you are Sirionite, Fontanese, or Old Rancaguan	Supreme Master of the Newspaper: Hireshmont, 523 Shiverwoodian Squirrelsspace	Volume: 8
The only newspaper that can laugh at itself!

• THE newspaper for the truth about events on the Oligosirionifontanagua Front of the Great War!
• Disclaimer: This paper DOES NOT represent the official opinions of the Oligarchian government, merely a general accounting for the public.
• Whenever we say, "Facts", what we mean is the explaination which best fits the evidence of action, not words.

Death of a Hero

April 29, 2006- Early this morning, we lost a friend. We lost a leader, an ally, a statesman, a hero, a warrior. Sakima has passed away in glorious battle, in heroic combat against the elven world-oppressors and their Fontanese lackies. Perdanese forces and Oligarchian forces presented a unified front against the Sirionite anf FOntanese forces in Bruck. Outnumbered 19k vs. 25k, our forces were defeated by the defending foes. Simultaneously, Oberndorf was retaken by Sirionite forces. This is a dark day for Oligarch, this is a dark day for all those who oppose the evil that daily encroches further from its northern fastnesses of hate and despair. Are there none who would oppose this evil? Are there none who will aid in stemming the tide of inhuman avarice which streams from the north? Is their no light in the Light of Fountain? Is there no reason in the south, that sees that in the north, Sirion wages an unjust war with Fontan at its side? Are you all blinded? You are a disgrace. To humanity, to your nations, to this continent, to the entire world and all of existence. You are a disgrace. You will overpower us, you will win and achieve dominion over this land. And you will sell your souls to do so, you have already done so. So eat, drink, and be merry, for the world is yours, it would seem. The world is yours, righteousness is ours.

Rebellion in Old Rancagua

April 27, 2006- Well, the past day or so has seen interesting events in Old Rancagua. It seems that Fuinur is being reinstated as King, and the government is being reformed. I have a feeling Fuinur will be wanting to go on the warpath. It looks like the rebellions were probably carried out with minimal bloodshed, velvet rebellions. Personally, in his short stint as Dictator, I think Thalanteus did better than Fuinur ever did. Under Fuinur's reign, the realm was hurled into chaos and disorder. Under Thalanteus' reign, the realm was brought out of chaos and disorder, only to reinstate the weak ruler who first allowed such things to occur through carelessness and lack of discretion. Most intriguing.

A number of updates

April 25, 2006- I was in jail, in Sirion, so I'm a BIT BEHIND on the news! So, it seems I was to be Arnaud's successor. But I was in prison, so Arnaud stepped back up to the position of command. He did so, and won a smashing victory! In an evenly matched pitched field battle(8k vs. 8k) we crushed the Sirionite army in Oberndorf. Perdan seems to be delayed, due to the large Sirionite force in Troyes. Thats not good, but there's still hope, there's always hope. Sakima has been assassinated! Emergency elections are being organized as we speak. Not much else to report...

Arnaud's Resignation!

April 18, 2006- Due to internal pressure because of inactivity, Arnaud has stepped down! (OOC- Timecrunch!) Some suspense over his successor, seeing as Paul has also stepped down, as he promised he would when Elaira recovered. Two council positions up in the air. Who knows how it could turn out?

Battle in Westmoor!

April 18, 2006- Well now. There sure hasnt been an article in a while! Anyways... Sirionite forces assaulted the walls of Westmoor earlier today, successfully. Bummer. Our 2k forces fought bravely, well coordinated and commanded by Duke/Marshall Mungo, but we were overwhelmed by the superior Sirionite forces. Anytime now Perdan. Friendly Mittens is ready when you are!

Boohoo for the little lady

April 15, 2006- Hahahaha! Ragnell lost who position as duchess! Threatened to secede, and got stripped of titles! Hahaha! Does that include the title of queen? Hey now, Ragnell, dont be sad! At least Fuinur still loves you! Oh, wait....

Loss of Bruck

April 15, 2006- Well, Bruck is lost. That isolates Oligarch from Westmoor and, hence, Perdan. In fact, the only region adjacent to Oligarch is Commonyr, and who knows how long that will hold. We need rescue, we need aid. We need something to change.

The Numenorean Genome

April 14, 2006- After much research and debate, myself, Folite, and the editor of the Itorunt Informer have reached the official scientific backing behind the Numenorean race and ethnicity. They are, in fact, .0001% elven. Allow me to explain. According to ancient myths(OOC- tolkein), Numenoreans live tor oughly 500 years, at the higt of the race. The reason is being "half-elven". This doesnt work. Working on the assumption that ELves are not carbon based, but, in fact, Germanium based(no carbon based form can be immortal!, we used Germanium-65, half life of 31 seconds)! The short half life is GOOD for longer life spans, because it forces rapid cell regrowth and replacement, which involves vast usage of energy and food consumption. Solution: LEMBAS BREAD! That mysterious food of elven-kind is actually more crucial than we ever believed. Now, continuing on, the average Geranium-65 based elf SHOULD live, naturally, 37 billion years. Hence, Doc has not even reached childhood. He's not even weened off his mother's milk yet. Now, the human genome contains about 30,000 genes, correct? Well, if we average the 60 year lifespane of a human with the 37 billion year lifespane of an elf, it gets us more than the projected lifespan of a numenorean(500 years), by about 18 billion years. SO, instead, we have discovered that ALL ELVEN TRAITS ARE RECESSIVE TRAITS! Hence, only an EXTRAORDINARILY SMALL ammount are inherited when mingled with human, dominant, chromosomes. The human DNA OVERWHELMS the Elven DNA strands, and only about .0001% of ELven DNA is absorbed, resulting in, yes, a 500 year lifespan, according to Folite, our chief mathemitician. ROles played: I was our motivator, and did some math, and DNA expert. Exile family did whatever. Folite crunched numbers.

More raiding in Fontan

April 14, 2006- The raiding party in Fontanese territory continues to pillage and loot, stealing hundreds of gold from Fontan, giving us a wonderful tax relief. Interestingly enough, there's some debate as to weather our looting raids should be under the command of the general, or the banker. Are they military, or is it merely... an exotic form of taxes!

Fuinur returns!

April 14, 2006- Word on the streets is that Fuinur is back! Wonderful! He is easier to crush than Thalenteus. More vulnerable, because Ragnell is herself vulnerable in so many ways! Please, oh ye Numenoreans, reinstate Fuinur! I long to smash troops that he directs again!

A word on the South

April 13, 2006- It seems our allies in Perdan and Ubent are back at it again, pillaging Ibladesh! I was under the impression, though, that we were suppossed to get some aid. Even just some cashflow would be nice. You know, send a TL with 1000 gold up here(probably a highly skilled infiltrator), enact the transaction to Sakima, and redistribute it in Oligarch. Or, better yet, just send us 15k of troops. That would be handy, very, very handy.

Assault on Commonyr!

April 13, 2006- I apologize for the lateness. There was a, shall we say, scribal error. Well, we've hit Commonyr! We smashed up the minimal Sirionite forces there, but kept the gateway open! Meanwhile, Lalakis' volunteers(though he will be leaving soon, and I believe command will fall to Amraedil most likely) have won, what is it, 2, maybe 3 consecutive battles(more like skirmishes) in Fontanese territory, as well as looted a few hundred gold? On top of that, Fontan has lose Viseu, which joined Light of Fountain. Unfortunately, the Fontanese took Greatbridge. Oh well, we'll take it back.

The Seige Tightens

April 12, 2006- Every day, we see small 1k vs. (large number)k forces in Bruck, Greatbridge, Oberndorf, and Commonyr. Just today, as I prepare to evacuate Commonyr, 6k Sirionite forces moved in to close that, our only roadway out. They obviously are offering bait, hoping we'll come and snatch at it. No such luck. Whats this, our CS has been steadily climbing? Thats handy. Anyways, now we're trapped on all sides. Help would be welcome any time, Perdan. That army sure is taking a heck of a long time to mobilize. You said 10 days, right? Its been about 6...

Take that, Fontan!

April 12, 2006- In an even fight, 6k on 6k, Lalakis' Volunteers smashed up a Fontanese detachment in Montijo. In an even field fight, a slugfest, we pounded the Fontanese. Take that Lillith. I believe every sound mind in your entire realm left when Fontan City seceded. Oh, wait a second, never mind. Zedd is Chancellor now, isnt he? Zedd seemed to have a brain when last I spoke to him, some time back. Anyways, how is it that we still manage to trounce you in your own territory, when almost 40k of forces lay seige to our capitol?

Hiting back!

April 11, 2006- Recently a small raiding force punched through the siege, and hit Montijo, in Fontanese territory. Take that you flee-ridden Fontanese pigdogs! Go away, or I shall fart in your general direction! No, worse, I shall taunt you a SECOND TIME! Arent we under seige or something like that? How is it then that a 5k forces just walked into your lands unopposed? Parhaps your new general isnt as bright as the last one. He's in Light of Fountain now, right? Oh, thats right, most of your older, upstanding TLs are! I forgot, only mindless slaves of Doc live in Fontan now, those enslaved to the will of a self-proclaimed descendant of a war God. Most intriguing, really. Anyways, we'll bring you more updates, as soon as we sack Sirion City.

The Seige of Oligarch

April 10, 2006- We are surrounded. Large bodies of enemy troops are stationed in Greatbridge, oberndorf, and Bruck, and likely in Gadlock as well. We have no escape route. Luckily, with Perdan's army mobilizing for action in the north, time may be running out for our enemies. Come on, we dare you attack us! See what happens!

Support for Avamarian Empire? WTF MATE?

April 10, 2006- It seems Lalakis and his government of Avamar-in-exile is turning on what was said earlier. They have decided to recognize the Avamarian Empire as the sucessor of Avamar, and they choose to support it. Oh good lord, this will be a diplomatic firestorm for Oligarch. Gee, thanks Avamar. I think I do a good enough job of smudging any respectable reputation we may have had with things like Rubber Ducky, you dont need to go and usurp control of allied realms to add to that. Let it be known that, as far as I am aware, the Oligarchian government does not support or condone this action in any way. I know I stand by Prometheus. Lalakis may be a friend, but what Avamar is doing is wrong: totally and entirely.

Returned to the Fold

April 9, 2006- Okay. So. Greatbridge is being TOed, and I believe Bruck is too. Massive enemy forces occupy Greatbridge, Bruck, and Oberndorf. Not good, not good at all. We're boxed in. But, wait, WHATS THIS? We retake Hagley? Yes, its true. Hagley has been retaken. FIGHT ON, BRAVE KNIGHTS, MAN DIES BUT GLORY LIVES! On to Morshes! The Perdanese army should be setting out to join us anytime now... come on Lorraine... you said it'd be coming... so did the scout reports...

Hagley Being Retaken?

April 8, 2006- Well, we've been running a TO of Hagley for a bit now, and it seems we may be about to recapture it! We still have it in us, even if just barely! Congrats to whomever is running the TO, even if you are violating Arnaud's orders! Meanwhile, it seems the new Avamarian Empire is consolidating its control of the Kalmar Islands, crushing the pro-Monarchy rebellion there. But with OR in Kazakh, I predict this Avamarian Empire will have problems soon.

Perdan on the move!

April 7, 2006- At long last, our pleas are heard! Perdanese forces move northwards! I dont know the route they are taking, but it seems that the PMW and Praetorians are coming to help us out! I presume Arnaud is gathering our forces in Oliagrch to coordinate our assaults. Lets have these Perdanese march away with Elven blood flowing from the gats of Sirion! Squirrel forces of the Northlands, ARM YOURSEEEEEEEELLLVVESSS!!!!

Capitol in Kazakh

April 7, 2006- Well, I'm slacking off! Our reporting speed is slowing down... must be that mead I've been drinking.... anyways! Old Rancagua moved its capitol to Kazakh! What next, Sirion in Ashforth? Fontan in Krimml, OR in Kazakh... heck, Sirion in Ashforth would make perfect sense, truth be told. On another note, Thalanteus, a former ruler of Rancagua, moves the capitol to Kazakh, the capitol of Rancagua. Fuinur's bones lie in Oroya, where Ragnell is duchess. Perhaps someone is trying to switch back to their Rancaguan days, eh?

Rebellion in, erm, Kalmar Islands?

April 6, 2006- Right. Sooo.... WHY KALMAR? For the love of squirrels, why did you pick KALMAR ISLANDS? Because its an easy target, okay. BUT YOU JUST EARNED YOURSELF THE WRATH OF THE ENTIRE CONTINENT, EL CIDD. Heck, the Avamarians down here dont even support you much, from what I can see. Perdan hates you, Old Rancagua hates you(then again, they arent a threat to anyone!), all allies of Perdan are rather disgruntled at you, and all allies of Old Rancagua are disgruntled at you. Think you could do a better job at making people hate you? Oh, I know! Try and assassinate someone! Thats a good way to make enemies! Gosh, I was thinking, when I first saw the notice about the rebellion, it would be a power struggle between Perdanese and Old Rancaguans. Instead, its a wanna-be Avamar Version 2.0. If I didnt have duties down here, I would personally come up there and kick some Imperial rear ends(I refuse to blaspheme the name of Avamar by calling these rebels Avamarians). Stupid wanna-be freedom fighters. You do realize, right, that if ANY REALM ON THE CONTINENT sent ONE RAIDING PARTY, your whole realm would implode and die, right?

Paul's Departure and, what? HE'S THE JUDGE?

April 6, 2006- Paul stepped down from his upstanding position of Banker and, lo and behold, got elected Judge! He has announced he will remain judge until Elaira has recovered. Ironically, one reason Paul cited for desiring to go to LoF was because he was dissapointed with the judge elections the past few months. Well, he won with almost 65% this time, congradulations Paul! Now who will the banker be?

Assassination!

April 5, 2006- Someone attacked Elaira! Well, we'll have elections soon. I'm gonna go out on a limb here, a wild guess, and say that DONNA RAGNA will be the next judge. Anybody thinking otherwise? Maybe Justin... possible I suppose.... anyways, we'll catch the infil sometime or other.

Sirion in Commonyr

April 5, 2006- They're in my region. BEGONE YOU FILTHY ELVES! I hope I get to return to Commonyr as Count... I like the title, actually. 8k forces say I wont be returning that way, though. Now would be an opportune moment for Slimbar to secede from Sirion.

Support for LoF

April 4, 2006- Well, we've decided to help out Lycastus a bit. We're assembling a team to come and help ya, Lycastus! Aint that dandy? You said 5 TLs, we'll send 5 TLs! And 5 bloody good ones too! Honestly, I wanted a piece of that 250 gold income per week myself, but I seem to have "respectable obligations" now, what with being a Count and all. In other news, I believe that the OR raiding party is somewhere doing something to someone...

Updates on Fontan's Civil War

April 2, 2006- I dont know how things are faring down there, but I know that WE SUPPORT LYCASTUS! Peace talks, possibly even talks of alliance, are under way. If there is anything the Oligarchian Observer can do, Lycastus, tell us! If there is anything I can do, Lucastus, tell me! We support you!

Greatbridge

April 2, 2006- Well, we attacked Fontan in Greatbridge. We lost, but we tried. I dont have many details yet, but I'll update you the moment I can! As is now, I'm busy in Commonyr taking care of my brand-spanking-new position of Count! I dunno, "Count Hireshmont" has a nice ring to it, dont you think?

Light of Fountain

April 1, 2006- Hmm, first time writing anything for the paper. Anyway, it appears that a former noble of Fontan, Lycastus, has seceeded Fontan from the realm of Fontan, forming a new realm, Light of Fountain. Also, their Chancellor, Lilith, has requested a cease fire with us whilst she sorts this out! Hmm, let me see, should we let Fontan sort out their own problems in peace, whilst they have no qualms about joining in a 3-on-1 war against us? No, I don't think so. If you won't play fair, then why should we?

IJARG!

April 1, 2006- Today is an eventful today! Mere moments ago, the IJARG was signed by the Caligan Courier and the Oligarchian Observer, and it looks like the Itorunt Informer may as well! Check out the IJARG yourself for more information!

Victory in Kazakh!

April 1, 2006- Our isolated and cut-off forces in the Kazakh Peninsula, udner the leadership of Lalakis, swept forth from Kazan, which seceeded and joined Kalmar(and the Kalmarians have this strange notion that they should return it to old Rancagua, when it was OURS. We paid good money for that region, and shed no small amount of blood over it!), and assaulted Kazakh. A decisive victory resulted, once again proving how effective even our small forces are, numbering at just a few thousand CS. HAIL OLIGARCH!

The PAIN!

April 1, 2006- Apparently, some deluded Itoruntian thinks he is good at poetry! ICK! Avamarians write songs and poems, not Itoruntians! Itorunt is a choppy, ugly name! Here's the poem:

Itorunt, Itorunt How beloved you are, You spread peace and riches throughout the world like perfume that wafts through the air Unlike our enemies, whose odor pollutes the world people, animals, crops, nature itself is polluted by the stench of war and brutality

Yet there are enemies who would wish to end this, for they wish to live in a brutal world of war, rape, pillaging, mistrust, and poverty.

Our way is better oh Itorunt, Itorunt, wanter of a merciful world, spreader of peace, riches, family, trust and hospitality

Gopherman, what a great leader he was The epitomization of what Itorunt stands for For he brought peaceful relationshions to a wartorn land If only his successors could share his beliefs of peace Gopherman, may your days be long

I'm sorry, I cant help but laugh. No rhyme, no pace, no rythm, not even done in verse form! Gosh, is there NOT A SINGLE SANE-MINDED AND EDUCATED PERSON IN ITORUNT?

On that note, I'm gonna go find an Avamarian to write a real poem... where's Paris when you need him! Oh, oops, he's dead. We'll have to get Itorunt back for that one...

Elections, elections, elections!

April 1, 2006- Well, a few surprises, a few that arent! The Prime Minister race was pretty closely contested between Sakima and Lysander, with Sakima coming out narrowly on top! Congradulations Prime Minister Sakima! You led us through the time after the Velvet Rebellion, we trust you again! The Judge electionwasnt quite as close, with Elaira getting 29% and Paul getting 19%, and Justin 12%. Congradulations Elaira, it seems your family has become a dynasty in the GJ position....

Oh thats just dirty

March 31, 2006- Oh now this isnt even FUNNY. The Itorunt Informer is writing articles about the regions in Itorunt. Well, if you're gonna do that, I'LL DO PSYCHOANALYSIS AND PERSONALITY PROFILES OF ALL THE TLS IN OLIGARCH! We have more TLs than you have regions! HAVE AT YE, THOU FOUL ITORUNTIANS!

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

March 31, 2006- So, this one will run until the end of April for a fair, balanced, and equal-time frame measurement of the Itorunt Informer as compared to the OO, CC, or OCPAU in general. So, here we are, COMING AT YOU!! By the way, we recently added 523 squirrels imported from Shiverwood Forest in Norland to be on our editing and security staff.