BT Undead Rogue Survival Guide: Lesson 1
Looking Like The Undeads
"Alright men if you dont want to be eaten by the undeads then you got to dress like an undead, act like an undead, think like an undead and eat like an undead. Thats right if they start eating the reminants of each others brains you will too. If they rip off each others limps to use as weapons so will you. Now you there you dont look like you rose from your grave." Elenhir motions to his other men, "Put an arrow through him and bury him." As the men are about to cover the poor man face in dirt, Elenhir lowers himself and leans towards the man half buried in the bloodstained earth. "Now once they cover your face, dig yourself out then you'll look like an undead."
Turning to another one of his archer, "How many zombies have you seen wearing fine leather and un-torn clothing? NONE!" Elenhir takes out a tinderbox and tosses it to the archering standing over the newly formed grave, "Start a fire and burn his clothes.. while they are still on him, it will have the added effect of giving his flesh the nice rotting look after a few days" Turning to the man waiting to become the human torch, "Urine doesnt burn well, next time try not to wet yourself, now once you are burning nicely, say once your about medium rare, go roll around in the mud below your feet"
Elenhir stares at the other four men watching in horror as a hand appears from the grave nicely illuminated by his burning comrade, "Do I need to teach the rest of you, or do you think your capable of turning yourselves into undead" His men scamper off in different directions. Elenhir spent the time thinking about what to do with himself and began to dig a hole.
As his men came back, one with an eye relocated from its socket to a new socket he made in his elbow, another with a leg protruding from his chest held in place by an arrow through his back. The third came back look the most like the undeads with his cranium missing exposing his half eaten brain carrying his severed arm in his other. The fourth had a javalin protruding from his abdomen, then Elenhir realized the man hand used it to fasten a horses backhalf to himself. "What do you think you are a centaur?! well we dont have time to worry about that now" All were bloodied and dirty. "Now for myself" he said while standing waist high in the hole he had dug. Elenhir takes out his dagger and drives it into his thigh, "now set me on fire and fill in the hole."
BT Undead Rogue Survival Guide: Lesson 2
Acting Like The Undeads
"Oh its great to be undead...", one of the men sang, their spirits were rising as they fit in much better amongst the undead hordes with their new looks. This particular man was in the best of spirits as he only had an arrow through him and occasionally coughed up some dirt from being buried for some long. "How many of those other undeads do you see singing, let alone talking" Elenhir said in a low whisper as he removed the dagger from his thigh and slashed across the mans face severing the muscles and tendons holding his lower jaw to the rest of his face. Then taking a large rock he forced it down the mans throat through his mouth which he could no longer close. "Now you will sound like the rest of these undeads. We may look like undead but we sure don't act like them. To help us blend in with the rest of the undead we will increase rogue control by striking fear into all who plan to rebel from our undead overlords here."
BAMN! the flimsy door came crashing to the floor as the archer took it down with his third leg(not the one that most of you are thinking of, but the one thats attached to his chest with an arrow) inside the lodging a few undead were picking at each other. The men looked around for anyone who might be part of the rebellion but the found no one. The tried the next house but again only a few undead were inside. "It seems we're the only ones in the region who aren't undead, well then we will just have to hang ourselves." The only found enough rope to make a single noose, for the others they had to improvise, using vines, old rags tied together and intestines from various animals. Finding the nearest tree they flung the nooses they made over the branches. A brief "owe" was heard from above but none of them could see who or what made the sound. Elenhir fetched a stool from the tavern and one by one fit a noose around his troops as they stood on the stool and kicked it out from under them.
First up was the centaur dude, and for being first he got to use the fancy noose made with real rope. The weight of the horse end pulled the javalin partially back through him before it itself slipped off the other end. Elenhir ducked out of the way as the butt end of the javalin came swinging towards him, "No no, undeads don't struggle when they are being hung, stop squirming." He then grabs the javalin and pulls it out of the man along with a lenght of intestine and a kidney. His comrade picked it up with his severed arm and began to feast on the his intestine pulling more and more out from his body. "Nice work, the rest of you should learn from him." Elenhir turned to the human torch "What do you think your doing? Undeads dont scratch themselves!" "But sir, the maggots are making me itch." "Well then gnaw on it" Mr. half-brain was done with the intestine and decided to help out taking a bite out of the human torches arm exposing the maggots in his flesh.
Next up to be hung was elbow-eye, the vine was set around his neck and he dangled once the stool was removed, he struggled for breath, flailing wildly. His face grew red as blood pooled in his head, finally the build up of pressure force his other eye to pop out of its socket as well. Elenhir put an arrow through the mans throat and the vine around it, letting the man fall to the floor with his single working eye dangling from its socket. "Not bad, but still too much squirming." "Alright its Mr. half-brain's turn, tied the intestine noose around him tightly." Mr. half-brain hung there, reaching for his own brain with his severed hand and calmly feasted on what he managed to get. After while he grabbed the intestine that suspended him and ate it aswell, letting himself hit the ground with a thud.
"I think thats enough for today, nicely done Mr. half brain" Elenhir said to the man still rolling on the ground, partly because he was busy eating the intestine and partly because he couldn't manage to get up. "If you havent noticed and Ive mentioned many times, Undeads dont talk, atleast not our tongue. So Ive spent a few nights coming up with a language which will make us sound like the undeads" "Mur means yes, murr means no, urrur means I dont know and murrur means stop eating your own brain or you wont have one left. Here I have it written out on tripod's back I could find a pen so I carved it in with my dagger, that reminds me my dagger is still in his back." Elenhir was about to return the dagger to his thigh when he noticed ripples beneath the skin of his wound, "Must be those darn maggots, now its starting to itch but I can't gnaw on it myself, someone gnaw on my thigh for me."
(The little girl in the tree top watched all this occure and as a result her morale dropped 16 points but is now a devote follower of the undead and as the only survivor in the region this caused the region to become core)
BT Undead Rogue Survival Guide: Lesson 3
Thinking Like The Undeads