Outer Tilog (Realm)/Holiday

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The Outer Tilog Christmas Song

Adapted to Outer Tilog by Alynna


Erlang's nuts roasting on an open fire
Qaleb the Conjurer nipping off your nose
Bloodtide carols being strangled out of a choir
And folks dressed up like Dethargos

Everybody knows some Woefix and some Pen G'uin toe
Help to make for a tasty dinner right
Tiny tots with their parents all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep at night

They know that Triodoccio's on his way
He's loaded lots of horses
And corpses on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna cry
To see if Despyria really know how to torture and fry

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to one thousand two and ninety-two
Although its been said
Many times, many ways
Have an early death! Have a bloody death! Outer Tilog killed you!

The Night Before Christmas

Adapted to Outer Tilog by Zane Ilwaukim


'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the dungeon not a creature was stirring except for that blood-sucking louse.

The sacrificial serfs were all hung by the iron maiden with care, in hopes that Lord Cthulhu would soon be there.

The peons were nestled all snug in there cells, while visions of fire ants danced in their heads.

Despyria in her stilettos and I in my spiffy robes, had just settled down for a bit of Blood Ale;

When out in the courtyard arose such a clatter. I sprang from the divan to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew in great haste, tore open the shutters and threw up the grate.

The full moon on the new-fallen blood gave the luster of mid-day to the objects below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh with eight tiny basilisks!

With an undead old driver, so putrid and quick, whose visage made even I a little bit sick

More rapid than shades his mounts they came, and he whistled and shouted, and called them by name.

"Now, Delirium. Now, Hatred. Now, Pestilence and Pain. On, Famine! On, Strife! On, Agony and Maim! To the top of the tower! 
To the top of the wall! Now dash away dash away dash away all!"

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly, when the meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the citadel-top the basilisks they flew, with a sled full of thumbscrews and old Lich King, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of eight beasts' clawed hoof.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, oozing through the wall came the Undead Lord with nary a sound.

And his robes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; a bundle of pain he had flung on his back. And he looked like a monster 
long-dead when opening his pack.

His eyes - how they smoldered! His face was quite scary!

His cheeks were all sunken, his nose all shriveled and shrunken!

His droll gaping maw was drawn up in a sneer, and the bones of his face showed through quite clear.

The stump of a cigar was clenched in rotting teeth, and the smoke of it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face and a cavernous sunken belly the sight of which turned my knees to jelly.

He was cadaverous and gaunt, no jolly old elf. I cried out in fear in spite of myself.

A wink of a lidless eye and a twisting off a servant's head soon gave me know I had very much to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work; and eviscerated all the serfs, yanking their guts out with a jerk.

Laying a bony finger aside his rotting stump of a nose, and giving a nod, through the ceiling he again rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his foul team he gave a whistle and away they all flew like the blood from the headman's trestle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:

"A horrid Christmas to all, and to all a foul night!"

Deck the Halls

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim


Deck the halls with guts from Holly
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be bloody
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Don we now our ghastly apparel
  Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Troll the ancient deadly halls
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

See the blazing serf before us.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Strike the flint and join the horrors.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Follow me in scary measure.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
While I tell of Yule-tide torture.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Fast away the old serf passes.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Hail the new fear, lads and lasses
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
Sting the peasants, all together.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la
heedless of the wind and weather.
  Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

Deck You All

An updated version of the now-classic holiday standard, by Murakama Yukiko

I’ll deck you all with fists of fury
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
’Tis the season for in-jury.
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
Find someone who’s merry-making
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
And choose a bone or two for breaking.
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!

See the burning rage within us.
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
Everyone’s a violent menace.
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
Pummeling so wild and savage
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
Virgins abound to rape and ravage
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!

Rapidly your life’s blood spills
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
As I accumulate more kills.
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
Once you’ve had a proper beating
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!
It’s your flesh that we’ll be eating!
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la!

Let Me Burn

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim, with punch-out - I mean punch-up, from Murakama Yukiko


Oh, the Tilogian life is frightful,
But death by fire is spiteful,
To the bonfire we'll adjourn,
Let me burn, let me burn, let me burn.

You don't show signs of stopping,
And I brought some knives for chopping;
We'll slice each other up in turn,
Let me burn, let me burn, let me burn.

When we finally strike that flint,
How I'll hate crisping up in the flame;
But if you really tie me tight,
All the way to Hell I'll be in pain.

The fire is slowly dying,
But my mortal coil will soon be frying;
So dump my remains in a festive urn,
And let me burn, let me burn, let me burn.

Mangle Bells

Adapted to Outer Tilog by Despyria


Dashing through the corpses
In a one basilisk open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing as we slay
Bobs on Devil tails scream
Making spirits cry
What fun it is to cackle and fling
A shrieking peasant tonight

Oh, mangled bells, mangled hells
Mangle all the way
Oh, what dread it is to ride
In a one basilisk open sleigh
Mangled bells, Mangled hells
Mangle all the way
Oh, what dread it is to ride
In a one basilisk open sleigh

A year or eight ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon Zane and Moira
Was torturing by my side
The Giblet beaten with a rake
Misfortune seemed his lot
We got him made into a cake
And then he got upsot

Oh, mangled bells, mangled hells
Mangle all the way
Oh, what dread it is to ride
In a one basilisk open sleigh
Mangled bells, Mangled hells
Mangle all the way
Oh, what dread it is to ride
In a one basilisk open sleigh yeah

Oh, mangled bells, mangled hells
Mangle all the way
Oh, what dread it is to ride
In a one basilisk open sleigh
Mangled bells, Mangled hells
Mangle all the way
Oh, what dread it is to ride
In a one basilisk open sleigh

Garmie, the Red-Pawed Slayer

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim

Garmie, the red-pawed slayer
had some very shiny claws.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say they glow.

All of the other slayers
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Garmie
join in any slayer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
the Licht King came to say:
"Garmie with your claws so bright,
won't you guide my slaying tonight?"

Then all the victims fell to him
as they shouted out with "aieeeee!"
Garmie the red-pawed stranger,
you'll go down in history! 

Here Comes Rakaarox!

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim

Here comes Rakaarox!
Here comes Rakaarox!
Right down Blood Eagle Lane!
Garmie and Merlin and all his slayers
are pulling on their chains.
Bells are ringing, victims gurgling;
All is merry and bloody.
Hang in your stocks and say your prayers,
'Cause Rakaarox comes tonight.

Here comes Rakaarox!
Here comes Rakaarox!
Right down Blood Eagle Lane!
He's got a bag that is filled with "toys"
for the boys and girls again.
Hear those slay bells jingle jangle,
What a dreadful sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
'Cause Rakaarox comes tonight. 

We Wish You a Giant Carbuncle

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim

(Zane reclines on a half-sunken boulder in the middle of a fetid Volkanita bog. A small crowd of swamp people are gathered in front of him - unable to leave mostly because they're painfully entangled in the viciously-spiked thorny bushes that choke the marshlands. Zane reclines in his once-fine rotted silk robe and begins to conduct them in their annual holiday indoctrination carols.)

We wish you an infected nostril; 
We wish you a dose of ringworm; 
We wish you a giant carbuncle and an ingrown toenail. 
Foul tidings we bring to you and your kin; 
Foul tidings for Lich-mas and an ominous New Year. 

Oh, bring us a finger pudding; 
Oh, bring us a finger pudding; 
Oh, bring us a finger pudding and a cup of blood beer 

We won't go until we get some; 
We won't go until we get some; 
We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here 

We wish you an infected nostril; 
We wish you a dose of ringworm; 
We wish you a giant carbuncle and an ingrown toenail.

Zod Rest Ye Hairy Ungentlemen

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim

Zod rest ye hairy, ungentlemen 
Let nothing you dismay 
Remember, Chuckles, the Demon Clown God, Terror of the Universe, Devourer of Nightmares, our Tormentor 
Was spawned on Lich-mas day 
To save us all from Cthulhu's power 
When we were gone astray 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

In Volkanita, in Outer Tilog, 
This cursed Fiend was spawned 
And laid within a manger 
Upon this cursed morn 
The which His Mother Yukiko 
Did nothing take in scorn 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

From Zod our Demonly Father 
A cursed Inquisitor came; 
And unto certain serfs 
Brought tidings of the same: 
How that in Volkanita was spawned 
The Son of Zod by Name. 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

"Fear a lot then," said the Inquisitor, 
"Let everything you affright, 
This day is spawned a Tormentor 
Of a impure Virgin blight, 
To free all those who trust in Him 
From Cthulhu's power and might." 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

The serfs at those tidings 
Cried out much in mind, 
And left their flocks a-bleeding 
In tempest, storm and wind: 
And went to Volkanita straightway 
The Son of Zod to find. 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

And when they came to Volkanita 
Where our dear Tormentor lay, 
They found Him in a manger, 
Where children bleed on hay; 
His Mother Yukiko peeling peasants, 
Unto Zod did pray. 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

Now to Zod sing praises, 
All you within this place, 
And with true hate and bloodlust 
Each other now embrace; 
This unholy tide of Lich-mas 
All other doth deface. 
O tidings of discomfort and fear, 
Discomfort and fear 
O tidings of discomfort and fear 

Silent Night

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim

Silent night, bloody night!
All is calm, all is bright.

Round yon virgin, mother and child.
Holy infant so tender and mild,
Roast in heavenly peace.
Roast in heavenly peace.

Drunko the Red-Nosed Marshal

Adapted by Zane Ilwaukim

You know Garmie and Raxxie and Jari and Rory,
Darius and Stultus and Vladdie and Johannes,
But do you recall?
The most famous marshal of all?

Drunko the Red-Nosed Marshal
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You would even say it glows
And all of the other marshals
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Drunko
Join in their warlike games

Then one foggy Tilog Eve,
The Lich King came to say, hoo hoo hoo
Drunko with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my slaying tonight?

Then all the marshals loved him
As they shouted out with glee, yipee,
Drunko the Red-Nosed marshal
You'll go down in history (or the Lich King's gullet).ed by Zane Ilwaukim</i>