An Najaf/"A Farce in Fontan" by Knight Ultor Amedes

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The following account is vividly retold by Sir Ultor Amedes, who was a spectator to the unfolding event. The tale is delivered to a full celebratory mead hall in Tabost to his jubilant unit The An Najaf Hunters.

“Three monkeys and one lizard decided to perform a puppet show for the delightful people of An Najaf."

"The troupe arrived in An Najaf, the birthplace of their exalted master Pafizi, and revealed that the show will be performed using puppets of human-likeness!”

The following performance was delivered by the antic theatre troupe. It resonates ideals and localities familiar to one onlooker…who happened to have personally written everything he saw down, without the aide of a scribe, human or ape:

“A Farce in Fontan”

As witnessed by Ultor Amedes in his home region of An Najaf.


Democratoot, hero, performed by a lizard.

Enemee of the North, villain, performed by Monkey One.

The Assemblush, chorus, performed by Monkey Two and Monkey Three.

Act One:

Democratoot lays peacefully on the coast of An Najaf listening merrily to the waves crash on the shore.

He enjoys lazying about in the sun, especially when he is needed to till his father’s field. How like him!

The Assemblush arrives and disturbs his sojourn.

Assemblushes: Democratoot, Democratoot, get off the ground!

Democratoot: Why, it’s so sunny.

Assemblush One: There is work to be done.

Democratoot: And? There is always work to be done. Go bother Monarchus or Tyrannip, they’re always working.

Assemblush Two: No matter what they do, you must till your father’s field!

Democratoot: Blah blah, alright! You are so demanding, you Ass-emblush.

The Assemblush look at Democratoot disappointingly.

Act Two:

Democratoot is seen walking along one of the finely maintained paths through An Najaf, how well our Lords maintain it!

Without warning, the villain interrupts his stroll! Behold, Enemee of the North!

Enemee: Step off my path vermin!

Democratoot: You must be mistaken. I am no vermin, I am a reptile.

Enemee: That’s not what I mean!

Democratoot: Well, then I suggest you step off the path and try again.

Enemee: That’s ridiculous!

Democratoot: Is it? It’s as ridiculous as you claiming this path for yourself, you Northern nanny.

Enemee: Why I ought’ta -

Democratoot: Shower?

Enemee is enraged.

Democratoot: Easy there fella, or you’ll loose your bananas.

The Assemblush arrives and witness the encounter.

Enemee: Bananas! This conversation is bananas! I demand your obedience. I am Enemee of the North!

Assemblushes: Beware Democratoot. If you let your guard down he will strike! If you look the other way he will rob you blind. This is your land Democratoot, inherited from your father. Do not be reckless. Be prudent and wise. Follow virtue and loyalty. Believe in your strength, and the strength of your people, and you will triumph!

Democratoot: Were you both speaking in unison?

Assemblushes: Pay attention!

Enemee: Step aside at once, or you will face - MY WRATH!

Act Three:

Now, without further ado, the ostentatious conclusion to: “A Farce in Fontan.”

Democratoot and Enemee of the North face off on the path between an elysian vineyard. This one is known as Amedes Vintnery.

The Assemblush stand in awe of their battle auras (very epic!).

Enemee steps his left foot first and demonstrates his technique. His martial arts style is very elaborate, with rolls and flying high kicks and plenty of sweat.

Democratoot watches serenely.

Democratoot (Aside): Look how impressive the monkeys are! Creative and athletic! You can never tell where talent will sprout.

Enemee finishes his exhibition and announces his lineage.

Enemee: I am Enemee of the North, son of many fathers. My hands are from many hands. My sword is from a thousand swords. War has been a tradition passed in my clans for generations, and that is a force you have no guard against. With this lineage and authority, I claim your land.

Democratoot stands placid, like a monolith.

Enemee: Well, what say you?

Democratoot does not respond.

Enemee: Make your show; announce your lineage…c’mon! It’s tradition! Everyone knows the ancient laws of combat.

No response. Enemee stands in front of Democratoot awkwardly, so he decides to demonstrate his martial arts skills a second time.

Democratoot watches again, allowing no recognition.

Enemee finishes and looks expectantly at Democratoot.


Enemee rolls his eyes and exhales in frustration and decides to show his awesome skills a third time.

Just as Enemee is about to make a front roll, he pauses to check if there is any obstacle in his field. At that moment, Democratoot flicks Enemee in the nose and knocks him to the ground. Enemee collapses in exhaustion. Democratoot puts his left foot on Enemee’s chest and his fists to his waist, smiling at the sun triumphantly.

The Assemblush rejoices!

Democratoot: Now that I have defeated you Enemee, I have command over you. I demand you to get off my path. In fact, I demand that you go till my father’s field!

Enemee: Pisssss!

And with that, the ballad is finished. The puppets bow first, then the monkeys, then the lizard. The lizard is thrown many skins layered with honey; this particular lizard was known to love honey.

The End.

After entertaining the wine filled An Najaf Hunters, he reminds them to continue the drinking and lechering with the Tabostic women in celebration of the day’s victory.

He has his fun too.

Long Live Fontan!