Outer Tilog (Realm)/for Kids
This article needs to be cleaned up to conform to a higher standard of quality.
- Disclaimer: This isn't actually meant for kids. Really. Don't let your kids read this page .
Outer Tilog for Kids!
Hi, kids! I'm Dethargos, Dread Chancellor of Outer Tilog. I'm the big guy in charge of Outer Tilog. I say, "Do this!" and they do it. I say, "Throw yourself in boiling oil!", and they do that too. It's great. Some silly adults will tell you that Outer Tilog is the home of bad men. This is very wrong - we have plenty of bad women, too. Outer Tilog is a great place, full of fun and excitement! We have a lot of fun things we're going to do. But wait! What's this! Oh ho ho! It's a clown!
http://img55.exs.cx/img55/7567/evil-clown.jpg BOW BEFORE ME, CHILDLINGS! I WILL DEVOUR YOU WHOLE!
Wow! It's Chuckles, the Demon Clown God, Terror of the Universe, Devourer of Nightmares! You kids do like clowns, right? Anyway, let's move on to the first really fun part of Outer Tilog - the peasants! Come on kids, right this way!
http://img62.exs.cx/img62/614/Chuckles2.jpg FOLLOW US! OR EXPERIENCE THE SUFFERING THAT IS BEING TORN LIMB FROM LIMB BY MY MACABRE FANGS!
Fun with Peasants!
Oh, wow, peasants are so much fun. Where to begin? You can do anything to a peasant. Anything at all! They're not very important, you see, and best of all they don't get to vote. In fact, in Outer Tilog, it's illegal not to torment a peasant at least once a week! I bet your parents didn't tell you that! They don't even love you, you know.
It's time for some science! Here to teach us about science is Cthulhu, Elder God of the Stars who will one day destroy all Mankind. Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Okay, sure. So, kids, let's learn a little about the biological makeup of a peasant! IN RYLEH I LAY SLEEPING!
Thanks, Cthulhu! Please don't drive me to madness with your bulbous eyes that are beyond comprehension, driving me to the starkest extremes of raving terror as crystallised horror ferments on the darkness of my mind.
No page for kids would be complete without an Activity, so here you go: Colour in the Peasant! Use lots of red and black crayons, that's my advice. Mmmm. Crayons.
CEASE YOUR MERRIMENT! MOVE TO THE NEXT SECTION OR I WILL BATHE IN YOUR ENTRAILS!
Fun With Torture Devices
Have you ever been with your cold-hearted parents, who beat you and give you not even a scrap of bread when you are hungry, to see a museum of torture devices? Did they ever say to you, "Don't touch those, you might hurt yourself?" Well, guess what? They did it because they despise you! They don't want to you enjoy the fun of torture!
Torture is great. Best of all, you can combine it with something we just learned about - peasants! Even before you learn mathematics, you should understand this equation: Torture + Peasants = Fun. Best of all, peasants don't mind. When they cry to you for the sweet merciful release of death, it's their way of saying Thanks.
http://img67.exs.cx/img67/4849/IronMaiden.jpg Remember, this cold Iron Maiden of unforgiving steel loves you more than your mother does. Also, you're adopted. Hey, I know what would be fun! Let's draw some pictures! Here's some examples of what kids before you have done. This one is from Jill, from Nidalery:
Wow, Jill! Your picture is an uncanny rendition of what happens when a giant red stickman gets his hands on an axe! Actually, technically speaking, using an axe to behead people isn't torture but rather crude butchery. I'm sorry, but you fail. Chuckles will have to engulf you in his jaws of death now.
This next picture is from little Billy of Outer Tilog.
Gah!! Well done, Billy, you managed to draw a picture even Dread Chancellor Dethargos finds disturbing and creepy. You're bound for great things, even though you're incapable of drawing people's bodies as anything more than rudimentray blobs. Oh, and colour between the lines.
This next picture is from Frank, of Giblot:
What!? What's wrong this child? This is sick, depraved madness! I've never seen anything so vile and disgusting! This boy is a monstrosity. He needs to be locked away where can't taint others with his foul, depraved touch. Oh, how I weep for the downfall of morality in youth!
I'm sorry, but I can't look at any more of these pictures. I think I may not be able to sleep again.
http://img62.exs.cx/img62/614/Chuckles2.jpg MY CHEEKS BLOAT WITH YOUR OFFAL! SACRIFICE UNTO ME YOUR SOUL! MOVE TO NEXT SECTION OR DIE!
Fun with Zombies!
I love zombies! Don't you? They're so fun and silly. Bits of them fall off, and then they chase after you, gnawing away at your head, hungry for your brains. Oh, how the succulent brains call to them.
Zombies are the most common form of wildlife in Outer Tilog. Whereas Lukon boasts the feather-breasted Lukonese pigeon, and Alebad is home to the Snuffling Ten Toed Warthog, we in Outer Tilog have a great variety of natural zombies. These range from the common Green and Gray Zombie, to the endangered and rare Singing Musical Zombie with Twelve Legs and an Accordion for a Hand.
This is the Yellow Mildewy Zombie, a fairly common species that is popular amongst zombie spotters. They often roost in secluded alleyways and dank catacombs, and are very fond of tearing apart tourists to feast upon their marrow. They make good pets, too! Why don't your parents let you keep a zombie as a pet? It's simple - they just don't love you. They think your brother is much better than you are. They'll probably abandon you in the woods.
I think it's time for some fun facts, and who better than to give you these fun facts than our new friends Cthulhu and Chuckles? What do you say, fellows? Let's educate the kids!
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! So, you want to learn about zombies, huh? Well, I'm completely the wrong elder god to ask about this, but, er, sure. Let's get started.
Cthulhu's Fun Zombie Fact #1: Unless you like the sensation of a long, raspy tongue digging the ligaments out of your bone, don't pet zombies, even if you think they might be tame. Sometimes even the cutest zombie bites!
Cthulhu's Fun Zombie Fact #2:Zombies, when well trained, will fetch the newspaper for you. Often they will bring in the remnants of the newspaper boy as well!
Cthulhu's Fun Zombie Fact #3: Zombies can be taught tricks, such as catching a ball, playing alive or IÄ! IÄ! SHUB-NIGGURATH! THE BLACK GOAT WITH A THOUSAND YOUNG!
http://img62.exs.cx/img62/614/Chuckles2.jpg WHY DO YOU SEEK ANSWERS FROM CHUCKLES? KNOW THAT I ONLY BRING YOUR HIDEOUS DESTRUCTION!
Chuckles' Fun Zombie Fact #1: MY FACE IS STAINED WITH THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS!
Chuckles' Fun Zombie Fact #2: THIS CUSTARD PIE, WHICH I SMITE YOU WITH, IS FILLED WITH MAGGOTS! THEY BURROW INTO YOUR SKULL! WITNESS NOW YOUR OWN DEMISE!
Chuckles' Fun Zombie Fact #3: WEAKLING CHILD! YOU LAUGH AND PLAY NOT KNOWING THAT YOUR MORTALITY RESTS WITHIN MY TALONS! WITH ONE TUG I CAN PULL YOU FROM LIFE AND INTO THE SCREAMING HARROWING TORMENT OF ETERNAL SUFFERING!
http://img62.exs.cx/img62/5222/Dethargos.jpg I know a lot about zombies. I used to work with them on a regular basis. Some of my best friends were zombies!
Dethargos' Fun Zombie Fact #1: Did you know that zombies have the slowest heart rate of any mammal? It's true! Not only that, but they have the lowest body temperature as well. Fancy that!
Dethargos' Fun Zombie Fact #2: I dated a zombie once. She was pretty, but she didn't talk much. We used to discuss getting married but when she finally accepted, I had trouble getting the ring onto her finger because it kept snapping off. Her finger, that is. I think it was a sign our relationship was never meant to last.
Dethargos' Fun Zombie Fact #3: If you rub a lamp and a zombie comes out, you can ask him for three wishes. Me, I'd ask to be turned into a sort of giant flying samurai ninja who breathes fire. I'd fly all over the place, shooting fire out of my hands and crushing people with my feet. Then, when I'd destroyed the world, I'd wish it back again. Then I'd destroy it all over again, and then I'd wish it back a final time, then I'd rule it with an iron fist or something. Oh, wait. That's genies, isn't it? Never mind.
There we go, kids! Nine things about zombies you never knew! Now you can impress your friends at school when you bring in your brand new pet zombie and tell them all kinds of fascinating things about it. Also, don't blame me when the leash snaps and it goes on a rampage that claims the lives of everybody you know and hold dear. Dead people can't be prosecuted, you know.
Anyway, you scallywags, that's all we have time for now. I hope we had hours of entertaining fun! Wouldn't it be great if YOU were a thrall to Outer Tilog? A mindless devotee slavishly performing to the whims of a corrupt, deranged tyrannical democracy? And all that's in your way are those parents who, as we both know by now, don't love you at all. Haven't you seen the way they flinch when they look at you? They think you're ugly. Inside and outside. If only you could flee them, and join us here in Outer Tilog, to work endlessly until death as unpaid labourers. Wouldn't that be marvellous?
Chuckles says "Yes".
http://img62.exs.cx/img62/614/Chuckles2.jpg CHUCKLES CARES NOT ABOUT THE CHILDREN, ONLY THAT THEIR FLESH MAY PROVIDE HIM WITH SUSTENANCE! GO HOME NOW! THIS PAGE IS FINISHED!