Muninn Newsrag/September 2010
 MUNINN NEWSRAG
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| Lead Editor: Davendrall (User:X-anne-x) Editor, Agony Aunt and Official Spell-checker: Anneliese (User:Audacity) |
Cost: 3 cookies | September 2010 |
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September's Paper
Ask Anne the Agony Aunt |
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| • Dear Aunt Anne, I have a birth mark of a rather...inappropriate shape... in a rather...awkward location. I am afraid to get close to anybody so I do not have to reveal it. It embarrasses me greatly. Do you know of any ways to solve my hilarious, yet shameful situation - Anneliese |
| • I'm going to hurt you, Davendrall. - Anneliese |
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| • Dear Aunt Anne, I am having trouble. Two men have proposed to me. They are from equally successful and respected families, equally as wealthy and equally attractive. How do I choose? - Eve |
| • Dear Eve,
I can't believe you sent me such a simple question. Tie the two together and marry them both. If you lack rope, simply use tree sap, honey, or melted candle wax. - Anneliese |
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| Battle in Mansbridge! | Sunday 12th September | ||
| The combined forces of Eston and the Barony converged upon Mansbridge, and attacked the Cagilan and Ilithian forces sitting there. It was an easy battle, and very few people were wounded. Except the Caglians, that is. And our vice-marshal Smeagenwulf, but he doesn't count because he tripped over one of his cats.
Because I feel like gloating today, I'm going to list the wounded:
In other news, the Barony has a very brave man in their army: Sir Herunumen of Umbar (Knight of Makar) is spotted wearing the Mysterious Chain Mail of the Maiden. Let this be a lesson to you, Cagilans! A true warrior wears armor, even if it means forsaking gender roles and wearing your sister's chainmail! | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Previously unknown woman elected as judge | Saturday 11th September | ||
| In a surprising twist, a woman known as Lady Athena put her name on the ballot and won. We have no idea who this person is, but we are certainly glad that Davendrall wasn't elected. However, this is not a complete victory, for it seems 49 people actually voted for Davendrall. I mourn their sanity.
The voting results:
In other news, we seem to have 246 invisible nobles. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Crazy person running for office | Thursday 9th September | ||
| A crazy woman known as 'Davendrall Felhand' is running for judge. This is rather unfortunate, as this woman happens to be my employer, and would do horrible, horrible things to me if I were to, say, try to dissuade you from voting for her. Thus, I shall give you a run down on the candidates in a completely biased way that paints Davendrall in an unreasonably positive light.
Davendrall Fellhand: A perfectly perfect woman known for her perfection, she is running for judge out of a sense of duty and obligation. Among Norlanders, she is know for her calm and sensible suggestions for our problems and petty squabbles. She is the voice of reason in our little ball of crazy, and will no doubt bring many great improvements to Eston, such as execution by barrel-full-of-slugs. She would never, ever, attempt to bribe voters with cookies and wine in a transparent bid for power, as she holds ethical standards in high regard. Kunigunde Cuernalis: She would be perfectly adequate for the job, were it not for Davendrall's superior perfectly perfect perfection. She intends to run just as Athena would, and does not plan to introduce huge and exciting changes, like making the very nonaddictive Leperchaun Wine legal. Her qualification include being a member of the Royal Judicial Corp and being a longtime member of Eston. However, she is clearly inadequate as she has dared to slander the perfectly perfect Davendrall by implying that she is insane and therefore unfit for office. Murdo Hormondson: He is the baron of Moramroth and the marshal of the Black Hussars. Like Davendrall, he is not unused to power. Unlike Davendrall, he would most certainly abuse it. Recently, there have been reports of peasants seeing giant attack squirrels on their property, and authorities trace this back to Elonias Myork'la: His qualifications include being Athena's knight and being very upset over her assassination. He would like to personally execute the assassin. However, he admits that he has no other qualifications and furthermore, accuses Davendrall of being a threat to our safety. He implies that Davendrall would hurt or torment him in some way for running against her, making it clear that he is running against her out spite. I myself am shocked to hear such slander coming from him, for Davendrall has never hurt another living person. Such lying is not befitting of a judge, and we advise you not to vote for him. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Judge Athena 'assassinated' | Thursday 9th September | ||
| Not long ago, Judge Athena was seriously wounded, by an 'assassin' known as Vig II. He is believed to be behind the recent slayings of militia guards in Amriel. Authorities speculate that these events occurred because Sir Vig was recently imprisoned after another spate of assassinations and attempts made on the lives of several Estonian Nobles. Several eyewitness report that after escaping, a strange man was seen wandering around Elost muttering incoherently about 'Leather' and 'whips'. We suspect that this man and Sir Vig are one and the same.
Further investigation has reveal that, in slaying the militia guards in Amriel, Vig was actually trying to catch our judge's attention, as he had regretted escaping and desperately wanted to be back in prison. When the police failed to apprehend him, he decided to catch her attention by a more direct means - in the form of waving and saying hello. Unfortunately, in doing this he somehow accidentally wounded her. In short, some fellow attacked Athena because he really likes her dungeon. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| IMPORTANT NOTICE - Museums are all lies! | Friday 3rd September | ||
| A Dave museum featuring distinct pictures of naked viking women? Are you out of your mind? Norland males may find themselves deprived, seen as there are only two Norland women left...and one of them is Taran...and neither of them like men. They may find themselves so desperate that they find the need to make inappropriate drawings and put them in a museum! But they cannot! It is all a lie. There is no Museum with such drawings! The drawings don't even exist! Neither do Museums! Its all a myth! A lie! Museums are a lie! Do not believe them! Its all a trick! Museums don't exist! What is a museum anyway? I don't know. You know why? Because they don't exist!
Anyone trying to advertise any sort of museum is trying to trick you. Do not fall for their cunning plans. | |||
| Editor: Davendrall Felhand | |||
| IMPORTANT EVENT - NEW MUSEUM! | Wednesday 1st September | ||
Visiting hours: Sunset - Midnight Location: Smeagenwulf's tentFeatures forty two distinct depictions of Davendrall. Fifteen of those are in set called 'The Brawler' which depict the duel with Xaphan. Another set called 'from below' features lady Davendrall in different stages of undress from a lowered perspective. The last two are sketches of her in a murderous rage, but unfortunately, they are unfinished as Davendrall had at that point found Smeagenwulf's sketch artist hiding under her bed. Any of you who weren't in Winwich to witness the duel may now witness through the view of brightly-colored paintings! Those of you that are terribly interested in seeing a crazy woman's underthings shall also enjoy this museum. Those of you that have lost clothing to Davendrall, ever had your pants pulled down in front of the judge, been utterly humiliated by being forced into cages and called a rabbit by Davendrall will also enjoy this museum, but for entirely different reasons. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
