Muninn Newsrag/July 2010
 MUNINN NEWSRAG
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| Lead Editor: Davendrall (User:X-anne-x) Editor and Agony Aunt: Anneliese (User:Audacity) |
Cost: 3 cookies | July 2010 |
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July's Paper
Ask Anne the Agony Aunt |
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| ______________________________________ |
| • Dear Aunt Anne, I think my husband is cheating on me with my best friends sister, what do I do? - Georgina |
| • Dear Georgina,
Who are you, and why are you calling me 'aunt'? Does Kate have a lover I don't know about? You certainly can't be any niece of mine; I doubt any daughter of Katelijn would know how to write, much less at such a young age. And don't tell me you're a daughter of my little brother - that, I don't want to even think about. You clearly have the wrong Anne. Go bother someone else. - Anneliese |
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| • Dear Aunt Anne, I have a pumpkin fetish, what do I do? - Anonymous |
| • Dear Anonymous,
It was entirely unnecessary of you to send a... used pumpkin with your letter. Please do not contact me again. - Anneliese |
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| • Dear Aunt Anne, I have just turned 16 and now my parents are trying to marry me off to a man i barely know, and he has really big feet that scare me. I don't want to marry him but neither do I want displease my parents. Do you have any advice? - Elizabeth |
| • Dear Elizabeth,
This a is very difficult situation you have. I suspect you will have a hard time convincing your parents to end this arrangement, so, as a compromise, I suggest you cut off his feet. This way, you will not have to disappoint your parents by refusing to marry him and he will be much more presentable. - Anneliese |
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| • Dear Aunt Anne,
I have severe erectile dis-function. I fear my wife will leave me and I don't know what to do or who to get help from. Please help me Aunt Anne - Jeff |
| • Dear 'Jeff',
Well, I sure as Hel don't know what to do. You would be better off asking this question to a healer, as I am not one. By the way, is that your real name, 'Jeff'? I'm not sure why you chose to write to this newspaper, which is read by... uh, one or two people, not counting myself, but... okay, I can see a certain wisdom in writing to a seldom-read advice column rather than a local healer. Anyway, I suggest melt the end of a candlestick and attach it to yourself in order to please your wife. Just don't light the wick before you do, I doubt your wife will appreciate that. - Anneliese |
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| • Dear Aunt Anne,
My brother is mean to me and keeps pushing me into the mud, but I'm not strong enough to fight back and my parents won't help. - Little Brother |
| • Dear Little Brother,
I suggest you steal some money from your parents - after all, they do expect you to take care of matters on your own, so they shouldn't mind - and pay some mercenaries to tie your brother up and place him in a grain storage building filled with rats. Then you must leave him there, either to die or until someone finds him and saves him. This worked on Katelijn, so I assume it will work on your brother. Also, I suggest you ask those mercenaries to train you in the art of warfare, because if he lives, he's going to be very angry. - Anneliese |
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| NOTICE | Thursday 29th July | ||
| Please do not send your local advice columnist any more letters pertaining to sex, or sexual matters thereof. She gets really tired of having to wash her hands after reading each letter. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Mick and Davendrall ambushed by undead monkeys | Wednesday 28th July | ||
| There they were...the Norlanders back together, on the way to battle...or at least they would be if all but two members of the Rabid Squirrel Brigade weren't late. So there they were, Mick and Davendrall strolling through some random fields...when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, came a hoard of undead monkeys! Must have come from the forests in the Barony of Makar...silly Barony...can't bury their monkeys properly. Anyway...there they were, Mick and Davendrall being ambushed by a hoard of undead monkeys...bravely fighting in the name of their country, slaying the evil beasts where they stood. Except they weren't. While the Estonites were fighting the undead hoard...Mick was preoccupied by a single monkey attached to his head...and Davendrall was preoccupied with watching the hilarity of a Viking with an undead monkey on his head, having his troops firing arrows at him to get it off, and having food catapulted at him because they had forgot the ammo. So there they were, Mick and Davendrall preoccupied with a single monkey, leaving the Estonites to fight off the hoard.
You know what, this article was completely pointless. | |||
| Editor: Davendrall | |||
| King Jean Alain reelected | Saturday 10th July | ||
| For some reason that this reporter cannot remember, due to heavy drinking during the previous night, King Jean Alain stepped down, only to be reelected again. We suspect it might have had something to do with the large amount of messages sent to the whole realm during that time, but we have not yet bothered to reread them and thus nothing of worth to report.
Also, some fellow named 'Galdor' was banned, possibly for stealing the King's rubber haddock. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Owl infestation and a missing haddock | Tuesday 6th July | ||
| The residents of Barad Lacrith were awoken last night by a large squirrel with a mangle on his tail, claiming to be an owl exterminator. This was very convenient, for at this moment, Barad Lacrith was struck with a sudden infestation of owls. Rest assured, nobles and other citizens of Eston, that this menace was quickly killed. And by 'menace', we mean the owls, not the giant squirrel.
Sometime later we learned that someone broke into the palace and stole the King's rubber haddock, but we are sure that the previously mentioned incident had nothing to do with this. We don't even know why we are reporting these two very different happenings together, except that they both occurred at the same time and place. | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Girl committed suicide after writing to Anne the Agony Aunt | Friday 2nd July | ||
| Today a girl was found dead outside her house, hanging from a tree. The local watch confirm it was suicide and released the girls name as 'Georgina'. They have sent a letter to the owner of the local newspaper...this one...claiming a need for a public retribution as the girl was found clutching a letter from this papers Agony Aunt; Anne. Thus this newspaper formerly says sorry to the girl and hope you have a nice time in heaven. Let it be known this was an unusual inncident and readers should not be discouraged from sending in letters to Aunt Anne. The Agony Aunt has been informed, though it apparently wasn't explained to her prior to the letter that she was indeed...an agony aunt, which caused the confusing in the first place and led the girl to suicide...yeah erm...sorry about that | |||
| Editor: Davendrall | |||
| Leprechaun Wine is apparently illegal | Thursday 1st July | ||
| During an... incident involving this newspaper's headquarters, we are sad to report that Lepruchan wine is illegal outside of brothels. This news comes from Athena Leather, Royal Magistrate of Eston, Duchess of Barad Lacirith, Marshal of the "Royal Judicial Corp", also known as 'she of the ridiculously long title.'
Since we are a law-abiding newspaper, we are of course encouraging you to donate any wine you may have to your local brothel. We wouldn't do something like, oh, suggest that you hide the wine beneath a bag of grain in the cellar or in the coals of one's seldom used fireplace, for example. Which is why we are not compiling a list of the best places to hide Leprechaun wine, and printing it here in this paper. By the way local
(The reporter of this story would like to remain anonymous, for fear of possible... repercussions. Please don't hurt me, Athena.) | |||
| Editor: Anneliese | |||
| Noble found naked, drunk and delusional in Barad Lacirith | Thursday 1st July | ||
| In the early hours of the morning merchants began to set up their stools for market day. But as one unsuspected merchant began this task, he stumbled upon what at first he thought was a giant, dead pigeon tied to a pole, but with further investigation discovered it was a knight of the realm who had been stripped to his underwear and covered in honey and feathers. The merchant, who does not wished to be named for his own protection states what he saw: "Well I be setting up my stool right in the main square of the capital, and all out of the corner of my eye I saw this strange shape attached to a pole. I got closer and saw that it be a man, I thought he was deaded when I first saw him, but he started groaning. Lots of other people noticed too, there was a crowd around me there was, before those ladies came through and took him away." The ladies, nobles Davendrall and Anneliese were able to identify the man as Sir Charion, also a noble of Eston. They claim he had too much hallucinogenic wine the night before, and somebody must have taken advantage of him. | |||
| Editor: Davendrall | |||
| Chaos in Eston | At some point this year | ||
| Reports have been coming from in and around the capital of Eston about sudden chaos spreading in many regions. The peace and tranquility of Eston has been progressively destroyed, replaced by terrors never seen before. Slum housing around Barad Lacirith has abruptly caught fire, after fire retardant squirrels, set alight, were fired through walls from what appeared to be giant catapults. In the center of the city there have been rumors of a giant squirrel, by the name of Xaphan claiming to be a nobleman joining the realm, and has even been granted an oath with a region lord. Tavern brawls have increased by 162% since the chaos began, with many drinkers having hallucinations, apparently from drinking Leprechaun Wine. But all this is insignificant compared to the information that has recently been revealed: All the cookies in Eston have been stolen!
There is only once explanation for all of this. The Norlanders have come to Eston! | |||
| Editor: Davendrall | |||
