Itorunt Informer/June '06

The Itorunt Informer
Price: Free! Written by Alex Exiled and Aurum Bishamon, and sometimes by Ichigo Kurosaki).	Bringing you the best of the press from Itorunt!	May Edition

New King, New general, New times?

In a battle in Castle Ubent, the king of Itorunt TK Jones was captured, fighting bravely. This of course left the door open for other TL's of Itorunt to escape, but not opnly that it left the metaphorical door open for a new king.

Well, no-one was really expecting the event, and so no-one had time to campaign, but with votes modified from the last election, We are able to tell you that in spite of the suddeness of the event, the High marshal of Itorunt was elected, with a stunning 323 votes, 36.3% of the total votes. A very good choice!

This of course left Lucian in the position of High Marshal. However, he himself said "I think we'll need a new general while I'm king - I could do both, but I don't think I should, both for my sanity, security in case I'm captured and the morale of the men."

And so the people of the realm were asked to send in nominations for the general position. And the people spoke, and the the people chose well... Robert, Marshal of the army of Semall, Count of Zamor (one heck of a long title, and just got longer) is now High Marshal of Itorunt's army! Congratulations are in order.

--Alex

And Robert chose, to replace him as leader of Division I, Ichigo, his second-in-command. You may be wondering who this mysterious person is. Well, it's me.

--Ichigo

Perdan beats Itorunt

Now before you all castrate, tar-and-feather, drag me around the streets and pocket my gold, hear me out. Perdan has beaten Itorunt. No, I have not been drinking from ARSE. I have had ale while in prison though. I suspect SADA ale, but I'm not positive.

Perdan has beaten Itorunt. At what you say? They have better prison accomodations. I have arranged special rooms for all those who have been given proper instructions. Only those I deem worthy shall receive such knowledge. Just ask to find whether you are worthy of such knowledge.

Oh and to all, please, avoid the old, hairy guard in Hall 2, Corridpr 5. Instead, have the fair-skinned guard, I believe he is albino, take you to ArchPriestess Naira. The fair-skinned guard tends to check all the prisoners shortly before sunset. I believe he is a lower noble due to his manner of speech. There, you will be provided with an oppulent room. Fireplace included. It's more of a holiday resort really. Enjoy your stay in Perdan's prison.

So, Perdan has finally beaten Itorunt. Perdan has the better prison. What will the other realms do? Can they improve their prisons to the point Perdan has? Sirion has plenty of gold I hear. Perhaps they could make such accomodations for their guests? Itorunt and Ibladesh could offer swimming pools piped straight from the Great Southern Sea. Kalmar could have an entire island, albeit a minor, unmapped island, for the prison population. So, I urge my readers, please contact your realm's judge. Improve your prison.

-Aurum

In the ancient wise words, "Veni, Vidi, Pwni."

Another huge battle in Castle Ubent! Oh, and we won. Gotta remember to state the obvious.

Ubents forces, for some obscure reason, were being commanded by a Caligan, Kamekaze. And guess what deployment they used? No really. Guess.

"Fortification deploy? That makes far too much sense. Delay and wound? Oh come on. Something less useful than that... Infantry wall! Yes! That'll do absolutely nothing! I think that's what I'll use!" --Kamekaze, attrib.

An assimilated force of Yssaria and Itorunt (primarily Itorunt) of over 16000 Combat strength, assaulted the walls of Ubent, which was defended by a measly force of not even 4000 strength. A resounding victory for Itorunts troops.

"We offered the peasantry of Ubent a chance to join our allies, and they refused. We offered them a new realm in place of the old, where we could lead them in the enlightened rule Itorunt knows already. They denied themselves this mercy. If we cannot liberate the people of Castle Ubent, we will make their lands worthless as a capital." --Lucian Vincent, High marshal of Itorunt

--Alex

Huge battle in the mines of Isadril!

That's right! In a truly epic battle, 16K of primarily Itoruntian forces, along with a Yssarian unit and an Ibladeshian twin strike force, utterly destoryed an army of Ubent. Well, you all know that the words "Ubent" and "Army" don't go together... it was 5K of assimilated Ubent forces. And saying 5K is being optimistic.

Well folks, we came, we saw, we annihilated all resistance... No-one is really sure why Ubent didn't withdraw, or call on their big brother nation Perdan to come help them... Oh wait. Perdan has attacked Al Arab. And they didn't win. Well, whoop de doo. What a brilliant idea that was, Blacknight... Let your ally die on you... Wait! We said we were going to bash Ubent this month! Sorry, slightly off topic. Well, Ubent was pathetic as well. 10 of their TL's are now wounded, including such figures as the traitor Kiriat, Finwe, speedy, Zog Returns...

So... Ibladesh is about to take the mines. Perdan is about to get lost with their tails between their legs. The north is about to go south... and when they go south, they're going to go south big time. Itorunt is about to kick everyones posteriors who tries to oppose them and basically, we're winning the war. Watch this space for updates. --Alex

A new month, a new issue

With great things lined up for Itorunt, a new edition of the Itorunt Informer is up and running! But you already know that! You are reading it!

This month spells some serious political upheaval. With Oligarch only existing on paper, Ubent and Caligus in the line up to be destroyed shortly, there is a definite need for a paper with the ability, and the motivation, to be able to stand up proudly, on the heights, and shout into the wind towards our enemies, "You suck!".

And so, the Itorunt Informer will stay in business, after triumphing in the Newspaper wars, with The Caligan Courier being effectively dead, and the Oligarchian Observer not having anything to write about apart from ash on the wind, we shall triumph again, and provide a refreshing shift towards Ubent bashing this month. All accounts are completely truthful. --Alex