The Voice of Enweil/Issue 1

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Banner18.png The Voice of Enweil
3 gold We swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - If we feel like it! Issue 1
May edition
WAR!
By Haroldin

That's true! Finally, after far too long a time of waiting, Enweil is preparing to march to war! Already, the massive Enweillan army is nearly fully asembled and marching on the doomed enemy, Riombara! The reason: Enweil has finally decided to take back the city of Fwuvoghor, which was stolen by Riombara during the last Invasion. The nobles are cheering, the soldiers are cheering and of course the peasants are cheering too, mostly because we've installed a death penalty for not supporting warfare. Our privately owned scaffolds have had frequent use, but finally the majority agree with The Voice and the nobles!

The people's wants are unheard and ignored!
By Frank Matts

When we printed the article about the lack of war invovlement of Enweil, we seriously thought that things would change, but no! The Chancellor has not even commented the issue! For months, he has promissed the impatient population that war is imminent, but Enweil has been at peace. The only diplomatic news were that Enweil gained a new ally! Boring, boring, boring! the people shout, but the Council insists on keeping the peace, probably thinking that Enweil is big enough as it is. Can you believe that!? Enweil is way too small! We need to expand and enlarge our realm, so that we may be proud of it! To prove that Enweil needs fighting to do, we have visited Fengen, trying to find the area with the greatest population of troop leaders and thier units. As we expected, we found them at various inns and taverns, not in the training grounds. After buying something to drink for ourselves, we decided to interview three different people, that would hopefully prove us right. The first interview we managed to aqire was with one Hamble Mackack, 15, private in the Fengen Militia.


Voice of Enweil: "Mr. Mackack, do you think that we need a war in Enweil?"

Hamble Mackack: "Well, now with the undead all gone, I'd actually like to rest up and visit my family, so I guess I'll have to answ-"

Voice of Enweil: "We heard the realm of Riombara has hired an infiltrator to assassinate your family. Don't you want vengeance?"

Hamble Mackack: "What!? You're lying! I saw my mother just an hour ago!"

Voice of Enweil: "I'm afraid it's true. Half an hour ago, 24 welltrained soldiers raided your family home and killed everyone there. We got a comment from thier leader, who said Riombara had hired them to kill your family." Hamble Mackack: ".. But why didn't you DO anything!?"

Voice of Enweil: "I'm sorry, but we're reporters, not soldiers. Why don't you do anything? Why don't you go out and fight Riombara instead of sitting in here, drinking ale?"

Hamble Mackack: "I bloody well will! Death to Riombara!"


The second interview was with Mr. Mackack's drinking partner, Ronny Yurker.

Ronny Yurker: "Now why did ye lie ter 'im like tha'?"

Voice of Enweil: "Mr. Yurker, we didn't lie to him. It was all true. Now, what do you think of our current peace?"

Ronny Yurker: "'Tis great! Ye know, ye can relax all the time an' ye don' have ta worry 'bout arrows flyin' all over ye an' such."

Voice of Enweil: "But what about the pleasures of fighting and killing? The fresh wave of air as the arrows fly by your face, the refreshing splatter of blood as you cut through your foe, taking the gold from the pouches of the enemy when foraging the battlefield?"

Ronny Yurker: "Ain't outweighing tha risk, mate. Nope, war's not me."

Voice of Enweil: "What about the ladies you impress by telling tales of how you slew two men in one swing, smashing the shieldwall of your foes and being the one to seize the day?"

Ronny Yurker: "Aye, that does sound nice. A'right yer got me. War's nice 'nough."

Voice of Enweil: "Thank you for your time, Mr. Yurker. Oh, by the way, I'm not paying the drinking bill. Good day to you."


Then, after silencing the suddenly angry Mr. Yurker with a crossbow bolt, we left the tavern to search for our last interview. Luck smiled upon us, for in the main market square, there was a man in full plate armor, a troop leader of the realm, attacking the peasants with his unit. We settled on the sidelines, waiting for the admirable training session to be over, and approached the noble, who turned out to be our chief editor, Haroldin. After admiring his tactics, we asked him for an interview. He agreed, and here we go again:

Voice of Enweil: "So, Mr. Haroldin Enstance."

Haroldin: "Mr. Enstance to you, scum."

Voice of Enweil: "Mr. Enstance it is then. Mr. Enstance, what do you think of our current state of peace?"

Haroldin: "I hate it! Enweil needs war! Beluterra needs war!"

Voice of Enweil: "I wholeheartedly agree, sir, but could you explain yourself a little?"

Haroldin: "Of course. We need conflict to thrive. We are destined to fight and hate and kill. The Gods wanted us to fight each other."

Voice of Enweil: "I see. Are you a religious man, sire?"

Haroldin: "No, but I am aware of many being of power in this world, to whom I refer as 'Gods'."

Voice of Enweil: "I see. Mr. Enstance, have you ever considered running for Chancellor?"

Haroldin: "Yes, but I reckon it to be better to stay as opposition for the Minister of Finances position."

Voice of Enweil: "Thank you sir."

Haroldin: "My pleasure. Get this published as fast as possible!"

Voice of Enweil: "Yes sir!"


As you, dear reader, plainly see, Enweil still wants war, and nothing can change that.


Population attacked due to boredom!
By Frank Matts

Yesterday night, several homes were raided and hundreds of inhabitants of Fengen City were murdered in their sleep as a unit of special forces, under the command of an anonymous person known only as 'Ratty' attacked in a fit of boredom. Admirable work! Congratulations Ratty, and good luck in escaping the militia!

.

No war since the Last Invasion!
By Haroldin

That's right folks! One of the oldest warriors of Enweil, Hackme Shoulder, 23, swears that there hasn't been a war in a lifetime! We managed to get an interview with the veteran soldier:

Voice of Enweil: "Good day to you, mr. Shoulder."

Hackme Shoulder: "Sir? You wish information?"

Voice of Enweil: "A brief interview, and I'd be charmed, mister Shoulder."

Hackme Shoulder: "Sir, are you feeling well?"

Voice of Enweil: "Stop commenting on my wellbeing and answer my questions, private!"

Hackme Shoulder: "Yes sir!"

Voice of Enweil: "So, mister Shoulder, you think that it's been far too long since there last was a war?"

Hackme Shoulder: "well, sir, to be honest, I-"

Voice of Enweil: "Do you think it's been too long since we had a war, yes or no!?"

Hackme Shoulder: "When you put it that way, of course! We need fightin' to do!"

Voice of Enweil: "As you can see, Enweil wants war! Thank you mr. Shoulder. You may go."

Hackme Shoulder: "Yes sir!"

Voice of Enweil: "I don't pay you for talking,

soldier! Back to work!"

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