The Herald from the Far Beyond/Noble Days, Simian Knights

Noble Days, Simian Knights

Cast of Characters:

Lord Akif: Son of the Witch-Mistress and Count Reidar, a knight of Ambala.

Innocenta: The Witch-Mistress.

Dame Taghrid: Knight of Ambala.

Sir Bretonnet: Knight of Ambala.

Sir Oriabel: Knight of Ambala.

Dame Ava: Knight of Ambala.

Count Reidar: Count of Ambala.

Porter: Servant to the Count and Mistress.

Chorus: Basically, the audience.

So it begins,

In the land Far Beyond, where I come from, there is a rural region known as Ambala, part of the Duchy of Sheyala, a great and beautiful duchy. This region was commanded by the stern, but fond hand of Count Reidar. Count Reidar was married to a witch concubine named Innocenta and they raised a son named Lord Akif. Lord Akif was a knight of his father along with four other knights his age. They were a rambunctious bunch. Their youth always led them into mischief and tomfoolery. Their commotion would happen so often that it frequently got under the Witch-Mistress’ nerves, and she was always an opponent to their fun. Whenever a bout spurred up among the knights, the Witch-Mistress would warn them to stop or she would turn them all into monkeys. Lord Akif was only able to calm his mother down by smooth talking his father into their defense.

One day, the Count became ill and was unfit to work. The Count was ordered to be bedridden. In his place, the Duke allowed his concubine to command Ambala.

During that morning, the knights of Ambala gathered as they always did in the garden of Lord Akif’s estate. They were: Dame Taghrid, Sir Bretonnet, Sir Oriabel and Dame Ava. All of them were good friends who enjoyed spending their days and nights together as a troop.

Lord Akif: “Good morning friends, were you able to sleep last night?”

The knights look at each other.

Sir Bretonnet: “Now what do you mean Lord Akif? What would cause our sleep to be disrupted?”

Lord Akif: “Last night, I found myself a pretty woman by the port and we sang and danced all night, if you know what I mean.”

Chorus: Aahhwww!

Dame Ava: “You foul noble Akif! I hope she was clean.”

Sir Oriabel: “I bet she was fresh off the boat. It must have taken you all night just to clean her off!”

Chorus: Aahhww! Hahaahaaha!

Dame Taghrid: “That is if he didn’t confuse her for some of the cattle that arrived from up river.”

Chorus: Hooottts anda Holla!

Sir Bretonnet: “Is that so? Akif has made love to a milk cow?”

Lord Akif: “She was not! I’ll show her to you.”

Dame Taghrid: “That’s alright we have already seen the barn on your estate once before. It is not that exciting.”

Chorus: Moooooo! Loud rabbling.

From the balcony above, the angered witch-mother storms out to yell at the knights.

Innocenta: “Would you keep your ruckus down! Akif, your father is trying to sleep!”

Lord Akif: “Then let him sleep ma’ma, but if he does not want to wake up then I bet it’s because he’s sick of talking to you.”

Chorus: Ohhhh!

Innocenta: “Your father is ill and I am in charge. How would you like me to turn you all into monkeys!?”

Dame Taghrid: “We’d like that just fine Witch-Mistress, at least we would not have to go to work.”

Sir Oriabel:“Yes, and we would not have to fight, and we would not have to worry about gold.”

Innocenta: “I told you never to call me that!”

Sir Bretonnet “And we would be able to do as we please all day and all night!”

Innocenta: “You do that anyways. I swear it! Keep this up and you’ll regret it!”

Knights together: Baahahh! Witch-Mistress is a killjoy!

Lord Akif: “May I have a word with father?”

Innocenta: “Not this time you ingrate, your father is sick and the Duke has put me in charge.”

Dame Ava: “The Duke put you in charge? Is he out of his mind?”

Dame Taghrid: “Prove it Witch-Mistress!”

Innocenta shakes her furious fist at them and returns inside, then after a moment walks back outside with a Ducal Proclamation.

Innocenta: “I, Canon Bonum, Duke of Sheyala, High Rule of Sautica, grant permission for Mistress Innocenta to lead the rural region of Ambala in her husband’s place, acting Countess, so long as he is unable to. May his health return to him fast, so he may repair the damage even faster.”

The Knights burst out laughing boisterously.

Innocenta: “What is so funny!”

Lord Akif: “I think the Duke regrets his decision.”

More laughter.

Innocenta: “That is enough! I will show you to respect me! On your heads I place this curse. Come nightfall tonight, all of you will be transformed into monkeys, to be returned to form only on my command!”

Dame Taghrid: “So it shall be! Cheers!”

The Knights break into song.

Knights together: For she’s a generous witch-mistress, for she’s a generous witch-mistress, for she’s a generous witch-mistreessss, for finally doing what she threats! Hurrah!” and they throw their hats into the air.

Innocenta: “I told you never to call me that!”

The Witch-Mistress exits the balcony into her private room. Here she begins to craft her curse.

Innocenta: “With the tongue of a frog and the ear of a dog I place these gifts to you, Oh Great Frighten. Here’s a lick of my blood so this curse is no dud I offer me to you, Oh Great Frighten. Make those children monkeys so I’ll be at ease this I beg of you, Oh Great Frighten.”

She puts all the items into a pot and lights them on fire. Then she inhales the smoke and blows it out the window. The smoke drifts into the wind over the balcony and descends down to where the troop idles. Their breaths catch the curse. They do not notice.

Dame Ava: “Hey, what are we going to do today?”

Sir Bretonnet: “Let’s go fishing.”

Lord Akif: “Alright! Let me grab a case of wine from my father’s cellar and we’re off.”

Sir Oriabel: “I’ll help. There’s a particular vintage that I enjoy, and only I am able to pick it out.”

Dame Taghrid: “How is that?”

Sir Oriabel: “Wine sense.”

Dame Taghrid: “Ah. It must be so.”

So they do, unknowing that the curse is ticking away inside them, waiting for nightfall.

They fish in the river and drink under the sun all day. Dame Ava and Sir Bretonnet leave and return with a large basket full of food. They rejoice and feast in a picnic. All the more the sun passes its zenith and begins to sink. All the more they frolic on.

Without catching any fish, and finishing nearly four bottles of wine between them, they grew tired of the river.

Lord Akif: “No fish in this river. Let’s get the carts from Sir Oriabel’s father’s farm and race’em like we did a couple of months ago. Who was it that won last time?”

Sir Bretonnet: “I believe it was Dame Taghrid’s team. Am I right?”

Dame Taghrid: “You sure are. I won the whole bowl of honey! You all suck eggs.”

Sir Oriabel: “Not this time Taghrid, I’ve been tampering with my cart to make it go faster. And the whip is thinner so it does not hurt so much.”

Dame Ava: “You didn’t take off the wheels did you? I am pretty sure that creates the exact opposite effect.”

Chorus: Aaaahh! Haahahahaa!

Dame Taghrid: “Maybe he bribed it with carrots, oh wait, that’s horses…”

Sir Bretonnet: “It seems your racing skills are sharper than your brains Taghrid!”

Chorus: Ohhh! Punchline!

Lord Akif: “We shall have to see. I have been studying the track, memorizing the turns and the rock layouts.”

Sir Oriabel: “It will do you know good, the rain changed the course.”

Lord Akif: “Sure it did. How about we race on a different track?”

Sir Oriabel: “Why would we want to do that?”

Lord Akif: “To avoid the traps you set stupid.”

Sir Oriabel: “How did you know I set traps?”

Lord Akif: “You just told me!”

Chorus: Aaahh! Cheap, Cheap!

Sir Bretonnet: “We’re off to the races!”

It becomes evening by the time they set up the carts and prepare the race. The carts have been modified to be chariot-like, with two racers on each. One is in front running, the other is standing on the base with a rein and a small whip. They form two teams with Sir Bretonnet as the finish line judge. Dame Ava and Sir Oriabel versus Dame Taghrid and Lord Akif, the women are standing with the whip of course.

About thirty yards away is Sir Bretonnet, at the drop of his hand and a holler, the race begins! Sir Oriabel and Lord Akif run and pull as fast as they can and try to ignore the annoying thwaps from the women every once and awhile and the constant insults flying back and forth from both teams. The game is basically all against the “horses” and is more of a test of tolerance than speed or stamina.

As they are running, the sun finally falls below the horizon. Nightfall has arrived. At that moment, just after the darling twilight moment, the whole team begins coughing, but the racers remain running.

From the finish line, after a fit of coughing, Sir Bretonnet looks down the track to an amazing sight! Standing on the cart whipping away like a fool is a small screeching monkey! The poor sap being whipped has become a monkey too! Sir Bretonnet could not believe his eyes, but when he went to yell to his furry friends all he could release was: “Whooo oo aa aa!” Monkey talk!

The carts rushed passed the finish line but did not stop. Sir Bretonnet agilely grabbed the closest cart’s side rail and swung onto the base.

Down the path went two carts of jubilant monkeys!

At the Count’s Manor, the Witch-Mistress Innocenta tidied her chamber. She had a long day of tending to the sick Count, who was such a baby when he was ill, and running the region. Not to mention she was anxious to see a group of monkeys come crying to her, then she would get her satisfaction. From a far she heard him calling.

Count Reidar: “Honey…honey! Come here for a minute. I need you.”

She rolled her eyes and entered his chamber.

Innocenta: “Yes dear?”

Count Reidar: “I don’t like this blanket. There is a loose string here and it keeps getting into my mouth. Turn the blanket around for me.”

Innocenta: “Yes dear.”

She does. The Count relaxes takes a deep breath in, then squirms.

Count Reidar: “Honey, this side stinks like feet. Turn it back around! Yuk.”

She does.

Innocenta: “You are going to have to try and get some sleep. If you keep up like this you’ll prolong your ailment.”

Count Reidar: “I am bored. Let me see some business from today. Did Count Gamwish seal his trade deal with Baron Daur? Was it for the price I suggested to him? I know how much those pieces of wood cost. The Baron is trying to pull a fast one on the Count. He would have too if it wasn’t for my advice.”

Innocenta: “No business while you are in bed. You know what the Duke ordered. You must get better, or I will rule this region myself!”

Count Reidar: “Aw! That can’t be good. I better hurry up and get better so I can repair things.”

Innocenta: “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

The Count shrugs innocently.

Just then, a porter interrupts the room. The Witch-Mistress is in shock at his barging in and thinks to correct him.

Innocenta: “Do you think you can just walk into the Count’s room? What has gotten into you? We should have you flogged!”

Porter: “Milady! There’s…the manor has been invaded by monkeys! They’re in the large hall!”

The Count sits up with excitement, trying to take the blanket of and get out of bed.

Count Reidar: “Monkeys? I have got to see this.”

But he is too weak, falls back, and gives up.

Count Reidar: “You are going to have to handle this, my dove. Remember, offer them bananas.”

The Witch-Mistress smiles inwardly, knowing exactly what the disruption is all about. But she plays the surprise and follows the porter out of the room, down the stairs, left of the kitchen, off to the side of the entrance hall and into the large dining hall. There she sees the true havoc the monkeys have unleashed.

One hanging off the chandelier, another tearing open cupboards, one more pulling plates and bowls from those cupboards and smashing them on the ground, another standing on a table throwing forks and knives at the one on the chandelier, and the final one sitting at the head of the table clapping and mimicking jolly laughter.

The Witch-Mistress enters with a loud roar!

Innocenta: “That is enough! What have you done to my Grand Hall?”

The monkeys stop in their place and look towards the steaming woman.

Innocenta: “You monkeys are supposed to be begging me for the reversal spell, not living it up! My word, it is as if nothing has changed. Do you see what is happening here porter?”

Porter: “Should I get the bananas m’am?”

Innocenta looks at him oddly. He leaves.

Innocenta: “Monkeys! Line up!”

The monkeys do. They stand in line tallest to smallest, the females the smaller, the men the taller, but none are distinguishable. They are not even distinguishable by their clothing because they are no longer wearing any.

Innocenta: “Which one of you is my son?”

They all raise their hands.

Innocenta: “Ohh! That’s how you want to play, eh?”

The monkeys start jumping up and down yelling. They are having the time of their lives.

Innocenta: “I am going to have to teach you discipline! Starting right now things are going to change around here. I know I say this every day, but this time I mean it! You are knights for crying out loud. You are nobles who have responsibilities and oaths to maintain to make sure this region stays at full production. How do you think it looks to the other region lords to see my knights acting like this? It is disgraceful, disturbing, and very filthy. Look at yourselves; you look like you just came from the zoo.”

From behind her she hears an awfully familiar voice.

Lord Akif: “That’s because they did mother.”

The Witch-Mistress turns around to see the whole troop – in human form- burst out laughing and falling to the ground unable to contain themselves. Her jaw drops in surprise. Lord Akif crawls over with tears flowing from his eyes, choking on trying to inhale and exhale at the same time.

Innocenta: “What is the meaning of this?”

Akif mutters inaudibly.

Innocenta; “Speak clearer!”

Lord Akif: “Mother…hahahahahaaaaa….we…found a….haaaahaahahaa…another witch…..she turned us back! Hahahahahaa! These are…..monk…monk…hahahaa…..monkeys from the zoo!”

Innocenta flies out off her top, and starts to spank Akif on the back and butt. He takes it, laughing all the more. The porter returns with bananas to see the monkeys in line watching a bunch of laughing nobles surrounding the Count’s concubine spanking her adult son.

Porter: “I’m thankful I’m just a peasant. This is a world I do not want to get mixed up in.”

He stands in line with the monkeys and starts handing them bananas. They all enjoy the show while the Witch-Mistress finally lightens up – for now.

The End, with the blessing and acceptance of the Most High. May he lend you favour, share his wealth with you, and grant you a future of immensity.