Avamar Times/Issue 5

THE AVAMAR TIMES

Message from the Board:


We deeply apologise to our readers but the press and the whole equipment of our office in Avamar City were utterly destroyed by a horde of bloodthirsty elves and their Old Rancaguan and Fontanese Slaves.

The already printed issues were used instead of firewood by the barbarian invaders - who couldn't read anyway- but basically they couldn't operate the sophisticated central heating system of Avamarian buildings.

The good news is that during the operations few dozens of the attackers died.

More specifically:

• Three Old Rancaguan soldiers died cheerfully after drinking unbelievable amounts of ink, believing that this is the infamous "wine" the civilised realms consume in vast quantities.

• Another Old Rancaguan died, slaughterd by the above three, when he tried to persuade them that the colour of the ink is not "red" as the wine should be. Unfortunately his audience never learn to recognise colours.

• Two other followed them to the grave after a death duel on the colour of the wine. One of them insisted it was red. The other that it was green. It was later revealed that both were right, but the latter suffered from achromatopsy.

• Four Fontanese were squashed to death by the printing press when they step on it to inspect it, suspecting it was a device that allowed spying. Unfortunately for them, they did it the very moment another Fontanese motivated by honest curiousity pulled the lever of the press to "ON" position.

• The curious Fontanese was lynched by his comrades shortly after his mistake.

• All soldiers involved in the lynching were sentenced to death by the Fontanese Judge. The penalty was executed instantly and the soldiers were tortured to death to show to the world that actions of brutality won't be tolerated in a true, noble and just Democracy where everybody is equal and blahblahblah...

• A Sirionite soldier took off the head of an Old Rancaguan Hobgoblin because he didn't like his grin

• The Sirionite corporal took off the Head of the Sirionite Soldier because he disobeyed Doc's Orders for "Not Taking Allied Heads Off"

• The Sirionite sergeant took off Corpo's head beacuse he killed an elf that disobeyed Doc's Orders for "Not Taking Allied Heads Off"

• The Sirionite Lieutenant took off Serge's head beacuse he killed an elf that killed an elf that disobeyed Doc's Orders for "Not Taking Allied Heads Off"

• The Sirionite Captain of the Newspaper's invaders Squad, took off Lieutenant's head beacuse he killed an elf that killed an elf that killed an elf that disobeyed Doc's Orders for "Not Taking Allied Heads Off"

• Doc himself, kindly explained to his Captain that by saying "Not Taking Allied Heads Off" he meant Sirionite heads as well. Then he took Captain's head off for disobeying orders.

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The Avamarian Times Office has now moved to Oligarch City thanks to our allies and friends kindness and it will be published regualrly as always.