Avamar Times/Issue 12
== THE AVAMAR TIMES == The Avamar Times, the oldest Newspaper of the East Continent is back, under NEW Management
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Issue: No.12 (Late January - Special Edition)
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The Duel
City of Kalmar, Late January
During the first take over attempts of Kalmar City, Amraedil challenged Johnny, General of Old Rancagua to a Duel to death. Read all the details of the never implemented duel below.
== Amraedil ==
Amraedil climbs down the tree and leaves his harp away...
He just find out that poor Mary didn't make it... Frank took whatever impoverished weapon was available and begun by himself a partisans war against the invaders... Only Glauck survived and only because he didn't find a butcher's knife yet to join the resistance.
"OK, I belive it is time now. May Conan the Dancing Queen bless my sword" He says to Glacuk and reaches his sword
"Once I was an experienced warrior fighting from a horseback. But now, it seems that I must recall all those boring sword-lessons I had taken as a child"
Sword in one hand, a small shield in teh other and wearing his pink-feathered helmet approaches the horde of the Old Rancaguans. Somewhere there, between hundreds of men, Johhny the Incompetent hides
"JOHNNY" Amraedil yells and his bare chest looks ready to explode because of the extremely loud shout
"It is time to leave your hiding place and meet your destiny. You have initiated your take over and your job is mostly done. Step forward now, and prepare to face the naked truth!"
He raises his rusty sword
"I am standing here, with my blade naked, as naked I am. As naked is the ultimate Truth, sent by the Godesses and Great Ottom himself!"
Amraedil continues with such a deep voices that impresses even himself!
"Step forward you coward! I, Amraedil Abandonas, Harpusex Maximus of Avamar Selective, Arch Bishop of Ottom, Hero of this Island, having the Godesses as witnesses, I challenge you Johnny, murderer of innocent people, ignoble and dishonourable coward, to a duel to DEATH!"
He lifts his sword again, while a scream of awe is heard by all Civilians of Kalmar City. Glauck!
"Leave your rat-hole and prepare for the long trip to meet your ancenstors! May Galaktika leads my hand and Conan gives me his blessings!"
== Amraedil Continues ==
Amraedil turns to Glauck
"My friend Glauck. I know that you are the future of Kalamr City. But I need a favour from you!"
"Whatever you ask Sir!" Glauck cherrfully replies. Cheerfully because he has finally find the buthcher's knife and he is ready to join Frank
"Run like the wind and deliver teh message of the duel, to every guild I have ever been registered to around teh Continent. I have a feeling that Johnny the Incompetent will find an excuse to avoid my challenge, so I want to make sure that every single noble in this continent will be aware of his cowardness!"
"But...everyone knows that Johnny is a coward Sir!"
"No Glauck. There are distant realms like Itornut and Ibladesh and Yssaria and Ubent that have never ever heard about him. So I have to make sure that he will learn about him and about future dealings with him or his realm! Now GO! Go!"
"As you wish my Lord!"Glauck says and runs to the post office of Chaos Temple to send the letters, to Academy of Knowledge first and then to all other guilds. He is certain that the words will be spread by mouth by he wants to make sure that the message will be delivered to as many nobles directly as possible!
== Johnny is Busy ==
Acutally, good sirs, I am busy reforming you government.. the peasants are of no importance to me.. they will follow blindly one way or another.
When all is said and done, however, we will see what happens. If the smiths in Kalmar are good, I will have them sharpen my sword once this land is Old Rancaguan, and we will see about this duel.
Til then, I have work to do.
Johnny tells his scribe to hold all letter for the next few hours.. he will be off meeting with someone he has not seen in a long long time..
Johnny
High Marshal of Old Rancagua, Marshal of the Fearless Legions of Old Rancagua
== Amraedil's Reply ==
Amraedil bursts out in alaughter again
"Better things to do? Better things to do you say?" Amraedil gasps trying to find his breath again
"Like trying three times to extreminate the last survivor of Kalmar City! Oh I only imagine how you will govern the Colony you dream to found here, and I can't stop laughing!"
After few more moments of laughter
"Ok, I am better now! Thanks a lot for the good time. But for your knowledge young noble, you should be aware that the excuse of "better things to do than to duel the Harpu-sex Maximus of our Hatred Enemy that attemted to execute a fellow noble and claims the City of Kazakh for himself" can be used ONLY by teh most coward ignoble, laughable, incompetent people. And I assure you taht I will make sure that every noble in this continent will shortly know about your General's cowardice."
== A bedtime story by Johnny Six ==
Would you like to hear a story, m'boy?
I would, father, please tell me one about Johnny Six, my great grandpa.
Very well son.. but we do not have too much time, so I will tell you a quick one. It is called "A quick workout"
Johnny walked over to the side of a small stone building, no larger than 12 feet long. He looked inside and found nothing. It was bare of all belongings and human presence.. He moved on, walked down an alley, and behind an old wall, now crumbling due to massive damage by the allied troops. He looked around, and to his surprise, not a single animal or person was in sight.
From here, he walked towards the outskirts of the city, which he was quite near to. Ahead he spied the old exterior walls of the fortress, and a small building at one crux of the now demolished stones.. It seemed there was a small orange glow coming from the back side of it, so Johnny proceeded to the left of the building so as to stay out of sight. He walked towards a small patch of bushes not 30 yards from the light..
He looked up, and could see 8.. no 9 men standing around a small and muted fire. They rasped at eachother in hushed tones, each holding makeshift weapons such as clubs and pick-axes. Johnny almost let out a laugh when he realized what he was looking at.. "The last 9 peasants.. taking arms to defend the city.." He sarcastically whispered under his breath..
He stood up, and walked straight towards them, throwing all care of concealment to the winds. As he strode forward, he began to laugh slowly with a twisted smile on his face. "This shall be fun." He said..
To see this fight as an observer would have been quite surprising, and incredibly gruesome. To your right, you'd see 9 men, none higher than 5 and a half feet. With their faces in shadow due to the fire at their back, they looked somewhat formiddable.. But then you look to your left and you see a man standing 6'5", strong yet not quite massive and bulging with muscle. Black hair covered his head and hung down to his shoulders. He carried two broadswords, one in each hand that he held down at his sides. He walked slowly and purposefully directly and the group of masked men, laughing softly the entire way...
It lasted less than a minute.. Where 10 men stood, one remained. He kept walking as he wiped the blood from his sword, back to the city where his unit held camp.. He went back to his tent and waitied for his new lover, Lady Caitlin, to return..
And that is story of "A quick workout" from the tales of your great grandfather, Johnny Six.. I do believe he married your great grandmother shortly after that campaign.. It is late, run off to bed, my son.
== Fenix's involvement ==
Hold your foul tounge, Amraedil. Do you really think someone such as Johnny who commands entire legions has the time to deal with the likes of you. We should sooner send our weakest fighters to dispatch you just to give them the experience, than waste the time of our honoured leaders. It is sad to see that you can do little but taunt us in your nakedness. Perhaps you shall have better fortunes in your afterlife.
== More Laughter from Amraedil ==
"So, are you really try to tell me that 50 or so "nobles" and you have only ONE brave man amongst you? Only ONE that has challenged his enemies? The rest of you are occupied raping Mary -may Galaktika rest her soul- fighting Frank, hunting down poor Glauck and enjoying the view from the City?"
Amraedil laughs again until tears drop from his eyes
"I mean...now...really..." He tries to speak but because of teh laughter it is a rather difficult task...
"Hahahaha! May Ottom blesses you all with his Thunder! You have given me teh best laugh I had in all my life! Are you certain that you are soldiers and not Comedians?"
Another uncontrollable laugh
"My Conan! It is hilarious!!! The General and his 50 loyal subjects, actually his masters in the case of the elves being here, are too busy giving ORDERS on how they can tame a restless group of freedom fighters!"
He turns around
"We need the Editor of Avamar Times! Is he alive? Glacuk! Please try to contact him and tell him to come by my tree. You know where. Where I play the harp the last days, trying to locate where Lady Johnny is!"
== Johnny's "Skills" Revealed in Public ==
Bottle in hand, Johnny strolls into the town square..
"Excuse me.. Lady Johnny? My lady is not here, and I am no woman, good Sir!
Shall I prove it?"
At that, Johnny drops his drawers in the middle of the square, and bellows a war cry that makes the birds leave the tree.. A small boy looks up to his mother and says 'but mommy, why is there a large snake coming out of that mans pants!?' before she shields his eyes..
"Lady Johnny!? HA!" Yells Johnny..
A few people scatter here and there, a little frightened at the enemy Generals outburst.. Many think he is drunk, which is even more reason for fear, knowing of Johnnys immense alcohol problem.
"Ha hahaaa" mumbles Johnny.. "Lady Johnny.. Come Old Rancaguans and Sirionites!" Says Johnny as he picks his pants back up. "Come feast in the homes and halls of Avamar Selective! Tonight, we drink their best ale and sing drunk and merry in the streets!"
The thought of singing struck Johnny as such a good idea, that he broke into song..
"We'll be comin' to the islands when we come
We'll be comin' to the ISLANDS when we come
We'll be singing like drunk asholes
and we'll pass a lot of gas oh
we'll be drinkin' like drunk assholes when we comeee!
We'll be sharpenin' our swords oh when we come
we'll be stomping with our boots oh when we come
we'll be slaughterin' the cattle
it'll be a hell of a battle
we'll be tippin' o'er the cattle when we comeeee!
and my name is Johnny Six oh here I come
i have a massive #$%* oh here I come
i've got daggers in my pockets
my mommy gave me a gold locket
and your door you'd better lock it when I comeee!
Better watch out for Sydney Carton when I come
Better be protectin' my heart'n when I come
but your infils they are pansies
and we'll catch them all red handzied
so you'd better get new infils 'fore I comeeee!
and he passed out face first in the dirt as his lover Caitlin came over and carried him back to her tent, small giggles emerging from her lips as she thought about how much of an ass Johnny had just made of himself
== The Snake Tamer ==
"So Lady Johnny" Amraedil continues after having expressed thequestions that trouble him
"Yes, yes, you! The beautiful one! The zookeeper! Thesnake-charmer!"
Amraedil naughtily pin points with his index finger the pointwhere the giant snake appeared yesterday and winks
"I know that you are a very busy person hunting Glauck the lastdays with your 100 troops, but can you formally reject my duelproposal if you accept your cowardice? I wouldn't like to leaveyour husband Lord Caitlin a widower after all..."
== Indira'sRevelation ==
Lady Johhny,
i find your new strategy outstanding!The best you used so far.Thatlittle boy was very amused when he saw that snake coming out fromyour dress!!!
Indeed trying to amuse the last survivors of Avamar Selective maygain you some sympathy...
Indira leaves her silk cloak to fall and stays naked infront of Johhny
You shouldn t feel ashamed to show us your naked body Lady Johhny. In the eyes of the Godesses all the bodies,female ornot,look the same...pure!
With the blesses of Master Ottom i can give you death,i can purify you and i can offer you my "blessings " as well.
Old Racangua hates us yes,but does hating us is far away fromloving us? You see the opposite of love isn t hate,but indifference. So instead of a duel to death maybe you would accept aduel to bed?
Unfortunately we never find out what happened in the end as somewhere there the whole story of the duel-s had to stop. Johnny had to return to the Capital of Old Rancagua as his unit was anihilated by brave Glauck the last survivor of Kalmar City.
