Atamara Independent/Issue 8
| The Atamara Independent | ||
| "If ya read it here, ya knows it's da troot'!"
|
Issue 8 | |
NEWS FLASH!!! | |
TOM PROVES ADVIES ARE NOBLES!Dateline - D-list In an unprecedented reversal, Tom (aka "The Tom") had no choice but to declare a "nobility amnesty" to all advies until certain inconsistencies could be corrected. The about face came about as a result of a challenge by a Dwilight advy, booger Jones, who was arrested for "adventurism". The Realm's judge, in an unheard of display of stupidity, agreed to listen to the advy's claim to nobility instead of just killing him outright. Sir booger, as we are now forced to call him, opened by asserting that "The Tom" had stated for the record that "nobility was in your blood, and cannot be removed". Advies, therefore, were simply "unrecognized nobles". Sir booger then produced his family's user page, which is available to all nobles, everywhere, anytime, despite several attempts to declare that information off limits. "The User's page is IC," Sir Booger quoted "The Tom". "Therefore," concluded Sir booger, "as the Jones family is quite clearly noble, and I am quite clearly related to the Jones family, one can make no other conclusion than I, too, am noble." After spending nearly 30 minutes to silence the court, the Judge suggested that "perhaps booger's father did not recognize him?", to which Sir booger replied that "his father had no business role playing something that flew in the face the army of scribes that run the game mechanics" and that his father would end up lightning bolted if his eyesight didn't improve quickly. A certain Lord Imadope jumped to his feet at that point and insisted that he would never consort with "a dirty, smelly advy", to which Sir booger replied that he had just had a bath and massage, held more gold in his pocket than Lord Imadope, spoke more eloquently and, were it not for the lack of a coat-of-arms, was indistinguishable from the any other noble. With no further arguments against, the Judge was forced to declare sir booger a "recognized noble of the realm" and released him. More news and reactions from other nobles to follow. |
| New Oath Types Considered | |
| A new set of much more convenient oath types is under consideration, according to our D-list correspondent.
Oaths - considered an inconvenience even in the best of times - have become especially tiresome now that the demand for knights has increased. This has led to the recognition that the old-fashioned "til death do us part" style oath is just, well, out of fashion. "Today's noble just isn't interested in those old, stale, life-time relationships," said VP for Oath Marketing Sir Ficklefork. "They want to be able to chose something that fits them personally from a variety of oath packages." Details have been sketchy, but rumoured packages include the "Tuesday-Thursday-every second Saturday package", the "When I feel like it" package, and something completely new designed by Sir Ficklefork himself. "I'm calling it the 'I'm as good as You' package," Sir Ficklefork explained. "Today's knight doesn't want some lord lording over him. This package specifies that the knights and lord are on an equal basis, and one may not give orders to the other." No particular roll out date has been decided for the feature. |
| According to a new historical perspective, Lady Godiva, known for centuries as the epitome of kindness toward the downtrodden and oppressed peasantry, was "nothing but a wanton tart" who most likely derived sexual arousal from her "medieval streaking episode". The possibility that she enjoyed bestiality is "entirely likely".
"In those days, as a noble you have basically these choices regarding how to treat commoners: a) treat them like you would a pig or a horse," explained Professor of Medieval Studies Theodor Hawk. "The fact that Godiva felt it was appropriate to ride her horse naked in front of a town full of commoners is highly suggestive of her attitudes toward animals in general." Professor Hawk had no comments to make on the significance of the "Peeping Tom" in the story, other than to say that "being struck blind is normally associated with other sexual aberrations." |
| New Recognition for Infils | |
| One might think that the new rules makes Infiltrators visible would be unpopular, but it just isn't so, argues Francis "Stubby" McGraw.
"There's nothing worse than being an invisible infil," McGraw says. "Your kids ask you, 'Daddy, what have you done for the realm lately, and there is simply no way for me to prove I've done anything. They think I'm a worthless bum." Under the new Visibility Act, infiltrators will be able to build their reputation - and not just with their children. "Once that first warehouse burns down, and you are the only one standing there - well, there's no point arguing you're just trading grain. I'm expecting the Judge network to spread the word about you pretty quick. Won't take long to be famous." McGraw admits many real priests and traders will be tempted to impersonate proper infiltrators, but he's not worried. "Your heart's not in it if you can't feel the noose around your neck," he explained. "The truth will out. Probably in a few minutes, if they use IRC." |
| The headline says it all. "Make adventurer a noble class": 236 messages at the time of this article. And not over by a long shot. |
| According to reliable sources, gold has been raining down on an unspecified Realm for more than 24 hours. These golden showers seem to be originating from The Tom, but little else is known, including whether or not they are related to the previous week's lightning storm. |
