Toren Herald/Old Issues/Karibash
< Toren Herald
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Revision as of 05:46, 11 February 2007 by Dragonpaladin (talk | contribs)
Toren  Herald
| ||
| Price: Pious Loyalty | In the beginning, there was only Tor, and the beginning has a lot in common with the end. There appears to be no change. | Issue Number: 1 |
Creator/Editor in Chief: Averyll Arete Contributing Editors: Karibash the Great (others forthcoming) | ||
| Defend your honour! | |
| As she seems to be enjoying her place of authority I've decided to show what happens when you say the wrong thing to the wrong person. I expect that next time I see you, Lynsey Habap, you'll accept my duel challenge! I decided to not challenge after you made a fool of yourself, claiming Ikalak is bribing us despite the lack of ability to transport money between realms out here. I started to wonder if I should be mad after you didn't even know that after over 200 days out here. But then I saw your joke. You wonder if I stomp while writing? Let's see how it feels when I stomp on your head after you lose our duel! - Karibash the Great |
| Toren's War Strategy | |
| Excellent idea! We'll hide out in the Toren Stronghold! None shall ever find us there! - Karibash the Great |
| Ignorance abounds in Taselak! And Lies! | |
| The Taselak Tribune has a new reporter, Lynsey Habap. And she is showing ignorance beyond all, refering to Maximus as Ikalak's king and claiming there were bribes paid for our alliance with Ikalak. I hope that she stops this slander and stupidity, before I am forced to close her mouth permanently! Update In an attempt to cover up their shame, the Taselak Tribune has changed references of Ikalak's 'King' to Prime Minister. One must still ask, how can someone not even know who is leading your enemy? How far is this ignorance rooted in Taselak? Another Update Lynsey has refered to our TO of Lesthem as including murders. Unfortunately, these people always believed in Tor seeing as WE WERE THEIR LORDS FIRST. Can such slander and ignorance be tolerated? Another Update? It seems that the high circles in Taselak have taken to lying... a pity! We expected a good fight. - Karibash the Great |
| Lesthem Recaptured! | |
| Lesthem was recaptured today, the peasants were glad to be under the protection of Tor once more. Unfortunately, their RL is Zel. We hope Taselak comes back. UPDATE Reoppressed... alas! - Karibash the Great |
| Blind Mute Yells at Judge then Preforms a Pirouette and Leaves the Courtroom | |
| A blind mute was charged with inventing fried chicken earlier this month after she blew up a farm. When asked why she thought she wasn't charged with witchcraft she said "I chose the farm specifically. I guess I just have to praise Tor!" Yesterday at court, she was faced with the charges and the outburst occured. - Karibash the Great |
| Misconceptions | |
| A headline in the Taselak Tribune proclaims that Toren is crippled. Unfortunately for their story, we Toren don't need a great leader proclaiming what to do every moment. We have an infallible military heirarchy that allows us to attack in three separate, but weaker, waves. I mean, the more waves, the better, right? Congrats on not investigating your stories!
- Karibash the Great |
| A Challenge to Chat | |
Dennis, the Editor of the Taselak Tribune, has posed the following challenge to the Toren Herald: Unfortunately, the lone editor of the Toren Herald, Averyll, was unable to speak intelligently upon the matter. However, a coworker, who prefered to remain anonymous, informed us that she overheard Averyll mumbling something about a Sandalak resurrection. While the Toren Herald would like to respect the wishes of that individual to remain anonymous, there is at this time only one person who works for the Toren Herald, so it is obvious who the anonymous coworker is, and we thought it would be appropriate to point that out. |
| Somebody takes notice! | |
| In a breathtaking display of immodesty, the editor of the Taselak Tribune has noticed the existence of the Toren Herald and claimed partial credit for its creation. The Toren Herald does not dispute his claim, of course; we just like the sound of the word "immodesty".
On a related note, Averyll has writen another article! Upon news of new news, all of the peasants on the South-East Island rejoiced. It is reported that the illiterate peasants were particularly pleased. |
| Ikalak Completes TO of Ibyp and Adrelhia | |
| Yesterday, Ikalak completed their takeover of Ibyp and Adrehai, which returns to Ikalak two of the four regions taken from them during the Sandalak resurrection. As a result of these gains, Ikalak now controls 16 regions, the greatest number of total regions controlled by any one realm; however, Paladin Primus Cyperus, Duke of Toren Stronghold, reminded the nobles of Toren that even though Ikalak is our foe, we think we are currently working together against the common enemy of Taselak.
Rumors spread that Ikalak will strike Sandalak City next. Having seperated Unlib from its capital, the fourth region is expected to fall rather quickly, wiping Sandalak off the map... for the second time. |
| Views on Wives | |
| Did you ever notice that the word "views" and the word "wives" share the same letters of the alphabet? It makes me wonder what other things these two words have in common. I have a lot of views. I do not have any wives. And the word "have" appears in both of my statements about "views" and "wives". The similarities increase!
The Toren Herald is committed to uncovering the truth, so do not worry, faithful readers, we will keep you posted on the latest research into this most urgent issue. |
| A War of Words | |
| Apparently, the Ikalakian Times and the Taselak Tribune have a bit of a feud between them. At the time of this publication, neither newspaper had mentioned the Toren Herald even once, perhaps because we are of such great repute that they do not dare engage us in a war of words. Or perhaps (and in fact what is more likely the case) neither is aware of our existence. Of course, a third possibility would be they just don't care. Regardless, the Toren Herald enjoys reading the other South-East Island newspapers. We do not recommend you buy other newspapers, of course, but if you happen to find one on somebody's porch, you should feel free to remedy that person of his or her need to be literate. - Averyll Arete |
| Looting continues in Kail | |
| The looting in Toren's midwestern regions continues, the concentration of these attacks being in Kail. Recent reports indicate that a sizable force of Taselak troops is camping in Kail, some estimate greater than 4300 combat strength. It is the official position of the Toren Herald that all looters from Taselak should be sentenced to death by lingchi. - Averyll Arete |
| Cyperus demands news, Averyll supplies paper | |
| On November 6th, Cyperus pointed out that Toren was the only realm on the South-East Island that did not have a newspaper, and he suggested that someone create the Toren Herald. Averyll answered his request, created the newspaper and wrote its first few articles. It is the hopes of all those involved that others take the initiative to assist Averyll in the continued development of what is sure to be the only newspaper left on the South-East Island after Tor kills everyone else. - Averyll Arete |
