Redspan Revealer/December Edition 2006

Redspan Revealer
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Written by Tony Malone, Shamus O'Shea, Dielo Filador and Dabug Habap Disclaimer: The Redspan Revealer would like to remind its readers that this paper does not represent the official opinions of the Redspan Government, only that of three old men and a young goatling.	All you Need to Know about Da Great Goat And Redspan!	December Edition

Current News Two Men, a Wooden Goat and an Escape 28 December 2006 (Meldeen) by Dabug Habap Reports circulate in Stargard of two very drunken men in a tavern in the back alleys of Stargard. Normally, this would simply be a "goat bites man" story, but word has it that both men are telling fantastic tales of mis-adventures involving a crowd of armed men, a wooden goat and a reckless escape. It is unclear if both men are speaking about the same armed men, the same wooden goat or the same escape. Both stories defy belief. Update: 29 December 2006 (Meldeen) by Dabug Habap More about the Inquisitorial Goat Kradus' adventures continue 28 December 2006 (Meldeen) by Dabug Habap While Isabelle Garner, wife of Kradus Meridius, has ventured to their shared home in Ambermel, it seems the Count's wife had a different kind of frustration on her mind than her spouse had on his: When i'm angered and frustrated I like to take it out on a little someone special. My dearest. Invites to come to Ambermel and pick on my dear Kradus are open if anyone would like to join me. Oddly, on arriving in Ambermel, they either reached some kind of agreement or had a tremendous fight. Servants of the couple generally agreed that pictures were falling off of walls three corridors down, but completely disagreed on the meaning. Isabelle did send a follow up note to all nobles in RedSpan All invitations to use my husband as a beating bag are cancelled until further notice!. Defiance of Da Inquisition? 20 December 2006 (Stargard) by Dabug Habap Word has reached Stargard that young Vladmir Zhukov has defied Da Goatly Inquisition by refusing Kradus' request to appear before [[[RedSpan/Da Goatly Inquisition#Da Grill|Da Grill]] for questioning. Reportedly, Zhukov's Black Dogs captured four of Count Kradus' men sent to seize him. In related news, Kradus was appointed Count of Ambermel to replace Taleon Crimsonblade, who left to found Da Way. Finegus escapes from the Darkan Prisons! 19 December 2006 There was much rejoicing in Sullenport today when a letter arrived from Finegus announcing he had escaped from prison. The citizens and their Duke offered sacrifices and incense (copious drinking and loud stinky farts) to thank Da Hairy One for being merciful to Finegus. Hopefully, he'll be more careful next time and avoid capture & further torture. Lavinga did her worst, but the hardy resolve of the people of RedSpan shown through, and Finegus merely sustained a sprained ankle, not even disabling enough to prevent him from eluding the bumbling dungeon guards of Darka. We look forward to sharing many drinks with him upon his return. by Shamus O'Shea Da Temple to Da One Founded! 19th December 2006 Today Taleon, announced that he has built the first proper Temple to honour Da One in Ambermel. Donations have been pouring in, as every noble wanted to contribute to the new temple. Now Da Way of Da One can spread to all the corners of the world, giving every peasent the true meaning of Da One. --Article written by Tony Goat-Buggery Suggested 16 December 2006 (Stargard) by Dabug Habap In one of the more disgusting public statements by a noble of Atamara, a Darkan noble, Juan, Knight of Mayxcal, suggested: I only pray that Redspan's Nobles give proper consideration to the Goats that provide them alternative service.... A little extra corn and maybe some vaseline can go a long way in a philotherian affair. It disgusts this writer that one would consider sexual relations with an animal, let alone violating a sacred goat. What will Darka sink to next? New Paper Founded 14 December 2006 (Stargard) by Dabug Habap Darka has founded the Volcanic Hot Newsletter. While it is expected that the editorial staffs of the two papers will not often agree on certain matters of state, we eagerly welcome our comrades in the journalistic profession. More news is always good news, even when it's not always true! Updated 16 December, 2006 by Dielo Filador After a brief scrutiny of the emerging newspaper, this reporter finds merit in the new information source despite the overly scathing editorials. However, one can find a bit of humor in the fact that the major article included in it was written by none other than the brother of Darkan King Kostaja Kosunen claiming to be a freelance writer. Da Grill 12 December 2006 (Nazgorn) by Dabug Habap Word has reached this reporter in the field that [[[RedSpan/Da Goatly Inquisition#Da Grill|Da Grill]] has been completed by Kradus Meridius. It is an amazing contraption, five paces tall and wide, with a hinged apparatus for the secondary grill, allowing Da Victim to be sandwiched while held vertically. The grease pan gathers drippings, which may be sent to the victim's liege as evidence of Da Grilling. Kradus is justifiably proud of the most unique feature - cupholders! Failed Assassination Attempt! 11th December 2006 Today, an Infiltrator attacked me twice. Both times, he was foiled by my guards. The first time, he was scared off (much like all of Darka), though the second time, he got a little bit closer, but not that much. Da One was looking over me today. And Feanor is not the only Darkan Infiltrator that is rubbish at his job, Darmagro, also from Darka, was caught in Upperfell, trying to assassinate another noble. Tut tut tut. Well, Darka, we said we would get revenge for AJ, now we have two of your infils in our dungeons. Don't worry though, they will receive the same courtesy that you gave our infil. --Article written by Tony Torture! Today in Darka, a Redspanian was tortured nearly to the point of death. Lavigna Galadeon, Arch Priestess of Darka, Countess of Tolhuar took AJ von Krondor, Knight of Ambermel to the edge of Mnt. Sinclair, and nearly burned him alive. No one is certain if he gave away any information, but we do know that this war is now personal for RedSpan, and the terms for Darka's eventual surrender will likely not be polite or forgiving. --Written by Dielo Carelia Joins The War News has reached us that Carelia has joined the war against ICBINB. This would make it the third realm to openly act against this new realm. Fate does not look good to this realm that is less than a week old. Being besieged on both sides by CE and Falasan, and with Carelia coming up from the south ICBINB looks to be in a perilous position. People are already taking bets on how long this realm will last. --Article written by Tony War! Today, Queen Catherine of Falasan declared war on ICBINB. They are going to retake their lands and help CE extinquish this upstart realm. ICBINB has already gotten off to a bad start by being slaughtered in the battle this morning with CE. It seem this war will be short lived. --Article written by Tony Is not Is? 3 December 2006 (Rogeshore) by Dabug Habap Now, accusations are flying back and forth about the secession of Tarasac. One Rogala claims that he was ordered to secede by the Prime Minister of the Cagilan Empire, Vengence Darkwaggler. He has even produced letters from Sir Vengence advising him that things were "ahead of schedule". The Prime Minister has stated that "CE is willing to pay very well for the head of One." Though One Rogala has not yet appeared on the Bounty Board, an unnamed source commented wryly, "Apparently it's gonna be the closest thing the infiltrators have had to a tourney for a long, long time." Butter? What is butter? 2nd December 2006 This morning the rumours were confirmed, a new realm has been made in Atamara. Its name is "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". The dictator of this realm is none other than One Rogala, the infamous man from the Kalmar Islands who caused so much pain to the people there. Now over here, he is up to his old tricks again. The region of Tarasac, Chagasu and Avrende have been convinced to declare allegiance to the new realm. Even before the creation of this realm was officially announced, One was declaring hostile intentions towards our allies Falasan. --Article written by Tony RedSpan Awaits Darkan Assault 1st December 2006 (Stargard) by Dabug Habap The streets of Stargard are crowded with soldiers, Knights, Cavaliers, Heros and Lords. They move in large bodies from tavern to inn, from market to training field, in training, conference and revelry. All the world wonders, "Where are those sell-swords?" Scouts traveling to the hinterlands have yet to spread the word on the street in regards to the progress of the sworn enemies of Goatdom. Morale remains high as ale, wine and whiskey flow, soap is eschewed and stories are told.

Comments for this month Tony's Comments Bring on Darka! We are getting bored down here in the south. You should visit us again soon. Shamus's Comments My father's torture will not go unavenged. Da Smelly One has delivered him from Darka's prisons so that he might be an instrument of vengeance for Da People. As Da One once said, "Touch not, lest ye be stabbed with pointy objects." Sleep with one eye open, High Council of Darka. Dielo's Comments Hello? Anybody home in Darka? Ye declared war on us halfway through November...we're getting bored. Dabug's Comments Rumor has it that Darka is now begging for someone to finance their war on RedSpan.