The South-East Island Herald Tribune/Issue 1
| The South-East Island Herald Tribune | ||
| 1 Ilsgerd-head Penny | "We Report, You Decide" | Issue 1: August 5th |
| Fair and Balanced news for the whole South-East Island | ||
| Sandalak Victorious | |
| The judges have crowned a victor in the South-East Island pie-baking competition: Sandalak has won again, for the third year in a row, with Mrs. Judy Peabody's mincemeat pie. Mrs. Peabody, who is employed by Lord Sheldar as a housekeeper, and whose husband is chief executioner for the realm, refuses to divulge her secret ingredient. "Most bakers say they put a little piece of themselves in everything they bake," she tells the Herald Tribune, "and I sort of got my idea from that." Pathetic offerings from Taselak's George Hoober (occupation: street sweeper), and Ikalak's Corky Finknottle (occupation: general layabout) have again marred this otherwise fine competition. Those realms ought to be ashamed of themselves.
Continued on page 11 |
| Alexei Right Again | Point and Counterpoint: Why Does Ikalak Smell Bad? | Editorial: Is the SEI Herald Tribune Biased? | |||
| His Divine Highness Alexei II scored some major points in debate yesterday against two delegates from the lesser realms of SEI. The topic at hand was the division of land among Sandalak and the other realms. His Divine Highness Alexei II made the astute observation that, because Sandalak is destined to rule the island, and blessed Tyranny liberate the beleagured peasants currently laboring under such odious conditions as "freedom of religion" and a so-called "right" to vote, that naturally Sandalak would have to own all the land on the South-East Island. It is regrettable, of course, but necessary -- otherwise the poor peasants will continue to be confused by such legal niceties as "habeus corpus" and idiotic bleeding-heart ideas like trial by jury.
Ikalak and Taselak delegates (considered by some to be the finest mind in their realms) responded to these well-thought points by saying something stupid and obviously wrong. |
Point: Clearly, Ikalak smells bad because Ikalak hates puppies. It's uncertain why Ikalak hates puppies -- after all, puppies are cute and cuddly and adorable. Only a fiend would hate puppies, and as we all know, fiends smell bad. Therefore ... Continued on pages 2,3,4
Point: Of course you don't think it smells bad, you puppy-hater. It's because you smell bad yourself, and you're used to the puppy-hating smell of other puppy-haters. You make me sick. Also, there are large armed men standing behind you.
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There have been serious accusations recently challenging the editorial integrity of this paper. As you know, the SEI Herald Tribune strives to deliver fair and balanced reporting of the whole South-East Island. We believe that the truth shouldn't be filtered by the media. You, our readers, deserve to have answers to questions about our integrity and impartiality. One reader writes:
You've got to be kidding me. All the editors of this paper are on [His Divine Highness] Alexei's staff. The paper's address is "Office of the Dictator, Sandalak"! Do you really expect us to believe you? Our staffers, concerned about this person's points, went to visit him very late last night, and extracted an elaboration: I meant to say, why are you so hard on [His Divine Highness] Alexei? He's the finest Dictator on the island, and he would never hurt anyone, especially me, my whole family, or my dog. Sad though it is to say, this paper has sometimes succumbed to anti-Sandalak bias. We will endeavour in the future to eliminate this bias, to better serve our readers. |
