The Order of Da Great Goat/Legends about Da One

==The beginning of All== Provided by Leonard Enstance

The very first thing

At the beginning, there was only darkness, and Da One. Content with the darkness, Da One slept for decades and decades, never rising to care. But then he grew hungry. Very hungry. And he wished for food, and there came grass. However, he couldn't see, for all was dark, and so he made light. And now he could see. He saw that he had not only made grass, he had also made water, trees, flowers and even a bright orb that gave light to it all. He named the orb Sun, for he didn't care much for names. For a while, Da One was content with eating and eating and eating more, but after some time, he grew thirsty. He tried drinking water, but it tasted horribly, so he made an entirely new thing: Ale. Pleased with the creation of ale, he drunk barrels and barrels, until he fell to the ground with a mighty burp and slept. He slept for a long, long time, and when he woke, he was the very first being with a hangover. Da One didn't like the hangover, but knew that it was useful to punish those who might dare steal his ale, so instead of removing it, in his endless wisdom, he made himself immune to it through a mighty ritual requiring three day's constant drinking as well as mighty blessings cast by him. He named the ritual RedSpanian Grease, for he still did not care much for names. Now content, he drank for many years to come.

The start of Goatkind

Da One was quite happy in his realm, which he called Goatdom out of lack of care for names, but he missed someone to serve him. He found himself mighty beautiful, and rightfully so, and thus created lesser beings carrying his form. However, the goats knew thier link with divinety and thier unmatched intelligence well, and refused to polish Da One's hoves or feed him grass or other such services. They convinced him that nothing that resembled him should be forced to serve him, and Da One yet again missed servants. However, he was proud of his creations for thier unmatched wits and beautiful bodies.

Mankind is Made

For years, Da One brooded on the problem while eating grass and drinking ale all day long. One day, when he grazed near a small hill with mixed earth, he farted a powerful fart, making all the soft and light earth fly away, leaving only a cluster of hard clay and a stone behind. This cluster, along with the stone, had the form of a man, with the stone as a head. Da One looked at the peculiar form, and found it funny. He turned his hind on the stone and farted again, meaning to move the stone. However, he had forgotten one important factor: the smell of him could wake the dead, and so it did. The earth changed into a warrior's body, the stone turned into a head and face and ears and nose, but more important than anything else: All was hairy on that body. Da Goat's first man was the perfect man, with a stone for a brain and muscles and hairs and muscles like a warrior. Da One found this to be a very entertaining figure, and offered the man a mate in exchange for his servitude. The man agreed and was named Heuindeuff, for Da One still did not care much for names. The man's wife was named Gultradofra by Da One, who stubbornly refused to start caring about names. Anyway, The first man and first woman (both with brains of stone and bodies hairier than any human has today) had many kids, and they thrived for many years, until they had a new child, whom they called Rose, even though it was a boy.

The treachery of Rosegarden Guy

Caution! The following text should under no circumstances be revealed to goatlings under 13!

Rose was a terrible abomination. He had almost no hair, wore only tight clothes (especially pants, the horror!), washed himself three times every day, drank only water and crushed flowers to make the perfume he always wore. Heuindeuff and Gultradofra tried to correct Rose, but to no avail. When Heuindeuff wished to use force to correct the mad goatling, Rose hid in a garden full of roses. When Gultradofra attempted to lure him out with delicious food, Rose ambushed and killed a small goat, roasting and eating it. However, Da One would not tolerate such a terrible crime. He came himself, tracking Rose down to a small river far from home, and rammed his tighpanted hind until Rose could no longer walk. For his treason, Rose was banished from Goatdom, stripped of his name and instead named Rosegarden Guy, and sent under guard by his own brother and Da One's most marvelous kid to this world, never to see Goatdom again. Thus Rosegarden Guy came into existance.

How Mankind came to this World

For years after Rosegarden Guy was banished, mankind lived happily, tending to the wishes of the goats and practicing the arts of war and brewing. Then, one day, a descendant of Heuindeuff, Rieldo, found out that he wished for the thrill of hunting the meat instead of just getting it cooked to perfectness without working for it. He decided he would hunt for deer in the world below, and with his visions set, he asked Da One if he could go to the world below and hunt his own food. Da One agreed, and sent him down. Rieldo was gone for three days and three nights, but on the dawn of the fourth day, he returned with a happy face and wonder in his eyes. He told Da One about all the magnificant things in the world below, and Da One nodded and knew, for he had made them himself. Then Rieldo asked if they could come to Goatdom, and Da One agreed about certain things like deer and sheep and horses and let them come, but he wished not for flies or dogs or other such things to come, which angered Rieldo. Rieldo was a boy of visions. He gathered a small crowd of followers and asked for permission by Da One to settle himself in the world below, and asked if he could come back when he died down there, and live on in Goatdom. Da One agreed, and Rieldo set out on his quest. He settled himself near the gate to Goatdom, and founded a city there, and called the place Stargard. Rieldo lived to see Stargard turn from a hamlet into a village, from a village into a large village, and from there to a small town, and saw mankind spread across the world, but he did not see it finished, for he died of old age. And as Da One had said, he allowed him to rise again in Goatdom, and such it has been for every true believer of Da One in the lower world ever since.

"The Legend of Da Hat," by Tony Malone

As Tony was walking through the grand square of Stargard one day, a group of small children began to follow him.

"Hey, Mister.....Mister!", one of the kids calls out, "Where'd you get that strange, old hat?"

"This hat?" Tony replied, "This is not just any old hat. This is Da Hat!"

"You are lying!", heckled a small child at the back, "Da Hat isn't real; it's just a myth."

"I tell you no lie, this is Da Hat, given to me by AJ von Krondor, when he was Arch Priest of Redspan. Still don't belive me? Gather 'round and I'll tell you the story."

Tony grabbed a box of apples and the children sat down around him.

"Now when I was a small child like you, I often dreamt of being a Troop Leader for Redspan, commanding men in the field for the glory and honour of fighting for our realm. Finally, I got that chance. It was at the time when our armies were fighting off Abington. Many battle were fought in our southern lands. My brother Bugsy & I joined the defense. Alas, Bugsy was killed that fateful day fighting for our realm."

"Not long after this, I made a mistake. I was still new to these lands, and my men short of food and money so I ordered them to loot some peasents. This was a crucial mistake. A mistake, according to the laws of Redspan at the time, that was punishable by being banished from the realm. But Judge AJ had mercy and did not banish me. Instead, he gave me Da Hat to wear until I had leared my lesson."

"With our army fresh from Stargard, we marched on Chasnoff once again, and made a pre-emptive strike in an attempt to catch the Abington army off-guard. Unfortunatly we did not win but managed to cause many casulties. That night, a stray goat wandered into my camp, and a strange and miraculous thing happened. My men, both wounded and healthy, stood and stared in complete disbelive as this goat started to chew Da Hat! The men saw this as a sign from Da Great Goat himself."

"Soon battle was upon us again, and I took to the field with my men who had survived our long nights in the camps. That day, we were victorious against unbelievable odds. Our line held and we defeated the Abington army and forced them to retreat back to their Riverholm with their tails between their legs. This is how the Legend of Da Hat was born! I have worn Da Hat from that day forth. It is a symbol of victory and a pledge of allegience to Da Great One himself."

"Now when our enemies see my banner waving aloft above the army of Redspan, they know that Da Hat travels with it, and thus Da Great Goat himself marches with them. They fear and respect Da Hat in equal measures, as quite rightly they should."

"Now, children do you belive me? Do you belive that this is Da Hat?"

Tony then rose and headed off in search of the nearest pub, leaving the group of children sitting in a circle, gobsmacked and speachless.

back to The Order of Da Great Goat Guild page

back to Redspan Realm page