The Giblot Gestapo Gazette/Issue 15
 The Giblot Gestapo Gazette
| ||
| Issue 15 | More amusing than a Tilogian in a jar! | 5 Gold |
| May Edition | ||
| Dictator of the Assassins Guild Killed! | |
30.05.06 - In the last few days reports have trickled down to us that Martin, the ruler of the Assassins Guild, had been stabbed in the back - and by one of his own countrymen no less! The name most commonly quoted to our reporters as the perpetrator is Randy Fender, the Assassin Banker. For what reason we do not know but we are dismayed that Martin had to die at the hands of another Assassin rather than be say, captured in a battle with Giblot and sent to our torture chambers. Were sure he would have enjoyed the trip, but alas he'll never know what he missed out on now. The poor lamb. In other news, Randy Fender was elected as the Assassins new Dictator today in an event we're certain is completely unrelated with Martin's recent demise at Randy's hands. Honestly, it's nothing more than a happy and bloody coincidence! |
| Unholy Alliance defeated in Steepglades - Thrice! | |
26.05.06 - Yesterday, in the largest battle in living memory (27,154 total CS) - perhaps in Colonies history - the outnumbered Army of Giblot defeated the overwhelming Armies of Lukon and Outer Tilog. Although several hundred men weaker than the invaders and perched atop a dingy palisade, the troops of Giblot fought with gusto and were more than happy to help the forces of Lukon and Outer Tilog fertilise the fields with their blood. It was a lovely gesture from Valast and Garm the Toothgnasher we must say. Another happy side effect of the battle was the sheer number of corpses around. Needless to say they were all quickly harvested for Headballs and Sarnie supplies by Sera's slaves - And to think we were worried about the prospect of a Headball shortage before this battle! Not long after the massacre of the invaders, the Steepglades palisade fell to rubble in what appears to be a tragic coincidence. Not much is known of the circumstances, but as we understand Sera was most amused to watch his slaves get buried alive as they searched for surviving soldiers. Of course, the fun didn't stop there though folks and the invaders decided to stay not one, but two more days in Steepglades! This time the Armies of Giblot outnumbered the ragged survivors of the previous days events and needless to say, another bloody slaughter followed. As a result of the three battles 15 Lukonite and Tilogian Nobles currently lie wounded, and another lucky eight rot in our dungeons. Heres to catching more of the flea ridden blighters in the morning! |
| Gander Returns! | |
24.05.06 - Our headline is not a misprint. Our printers workshops do not need to raided, the workers dragged out and skinned alive before turning them into an economy line of Sera's now infamous Sandwich Business. No, Gander has actually returned. But don't run out and cheer and maim in his honour just yet. It seems in his travels the demon that he absorbed inside him has finally taken control. At a time it made him more blood thirsty. Now Gander could easily be Goergyboy's Wife! Curiously, Gander now uses the name Shan'naal, we at the GGG are happy to admit that at first we to were stupefied by the idiotic name Shan'naal the Militant but then it hit us! Much like when the arrows hit Moira Na Leodaich in Rollsovar not so long ago! Well okay it wasnt quite like that. We actually survived and fired the arrows at our clerks in disgust. Then played Headball with them. Moira on the other hand just died with nothing more than a croak, the miserable old bi-..lady! Anyway for the older Giblot citizens we will say that the name Shan'naal involves the dagger Gander once used quite regularly in his craft - until the Wicked Witch of Outer Tilog had her way with our Gander. Our advice to our younger citizens is that we strongly recommend you go start singing songs to this Shan'naal. Much like Kardon Hyundai's old songs. How you feel pretty like a girl or something. Were fairly sure that will get Gander back to his usual tricks. Rather than tilling in the fields like a Peasant! Honestly, what is this world coming to. Oh and before I get inundated with despicable letters, no Gander didn't kill Kardon for all the singing, and it was mere coincidence that Kardon could only hobble for the next couple of weeks. Anything else you hear are lies and distortion I tell you! Lies and Distortion! |
| Sandwiches Are Beautiful.. | |
16.05.06 - I bet you thought we'd given up again there didn't you? Another flurry of activity at the start of the month at the Gazette Headquarters before - WHOOSH - we spend the rest of the month living it up from the profits this most biased publication brings. If by living it up you mean undertaking many a brutal task for Renal or Sera, then youre quite close to the truth. Except some of you silly readers make it sound like work rather than pleasure! Honestly, the rotting corpses I send to some of the people who write in with such silly questions are very much deserved. Though admittedly sometimes we just don't have any time to dispose of our corpses any other way - do you have any idea of how well used our torture chambers are? Hell even Sera's sandwich business is having trouble right now. So many Steepglades Peasants who still think they have rights...but anyway, I'm rambling. To the true nature of this article! As some may already know, Alebad and Oritolon became allies earlier this week in a move widely believed by myself to show that Alebad has once again become a slave to Oritolon. Not that that's a bad thing. Just as when Alebad served Oritolon before, they are taking out their united anger against Alowca. A miserable and pathetic little Theocracy in the barren wasteland that is anywhere outside of Giblot! And for once I'm not even exagerrating. Think of a realm that Goergyboy ran and then imagine it was populated almost entirely by other Goergyboy's. Yes I know, I too almost vomited at the very thought. I suppose we must just take glorious pleasure from the fact that Alowca has already been crushed twice in Abaka and will probably lose the region soon. It also seems these actions have saved Alebad from Lukon - for now. Though this brings the Lukonites ever closer to their ineivitable massacre at Giblot hands so I'm not complaining. In other news, the Assassins Guild has been given a brutal beating in Hulaferd by Wetham. Perhaps after their umpteenth defeat in succession the Guild will realise that daggers and shadowy cloaks aren't the most useful equipment to carry against a REAL army. Then again, thats what my cousin said when I went to duel him with a carrot as a weapon in my late teens. Course he could never suspect being riddled with arrows the moment he stepped forward with that big stupid grin on his face. But I am by no means drawing any comparisons here. Unlike your favourite GGG Reporter the Guild lacks both clout, influence and more importantly my good looks! |
| Lukon declares War on Giblot! | |
09.05.06 - Early this morning as the people woke from their slumbers, Valast, Despotic King of Lukon declared war on Giblot. At first the reasoning for this diplomatic posturing was not initially clear, though rumours spread quickly that the declaration had much to do with Moira's suicide in Rollsovar. It turns out the rumour mongers were right for once and Chancellor Alexander has since revealed the accompanying text of Valasts declaration. We would offer you the unadulterated text, but it consists mainly of Lukonite Drivel (propaganda). Heres a quick summary of Valast's speech:
At first the people of Giblot were overcome with shock, which quickly turned to misery with the later news that a tirade by Sera against Valast upon the news of the War Declaration had possibly made things worse. Needless to say, we rounded up the worst of these miserable dissidents and well, by the time we'd finished with them they sure were smiling again! Before you ask, yes attaching claws to somones head to pull the corners of their mouth up into a smile is perfectly inhumane and more importantly, legal! Anyway where was I? Ah yes! Shock, misery then to utter amusement as Martin, Torch and Pitchfork Supervisor of the Assassins Guild, offered to keep out of Giblot's way for the mere handover of Helsera and a protection fee of 500 Gold per week. Other demands mentioned from Giblot's increasing array of enemies is the handover of Steepglades and Rollsovar to Outer Tilog and apparently the immediate deportation of Goergyboy and Sera. Needless to say, Anti-Lukonite sentiment has flown through the roof. Much like the Rollsovan Arrows that pierced through Moira's limbs, guts and lungs the other day! Oh well. Whatever happens after today, all we can say is that we eagerly await the arrival of the first Lukonites into the GGG Torture Chambers or indeed, in Sera's Sarnie Shop. Lukonite and Mayo Sandwiches anyone? |
| The Guild Attacks | |
08.05.06 - Although little is known of the situation so far, it appears that the Assassins have yet again cobbled together a pathetic excuse of an army to inflict their will on the continent. For those of you who have heard of the Assassins invading realms before, you should already have the image of Assassin corpses littering the landscape or indeed the site of our Head Collectors 'recycling' the Assassin remains firmly implanted in your mind! If youre really unlucky you won't have been around to witness the Assassins being forcibly ejected from Seras'hel earlier in the year or indeed, even had the opportunity to use their Skulls in Headball. Not to worry though, plenty more where they came from! Of course the real surprise of all this Assassin assault is that for once, the Assassins arent making a suicidal attack against the strongest realm on the continent, us. No, instead they appear to be attacking their former friend and ally, Wetham in the County of Hulaferd. With any luck, Wetham will experience a similar phenomena to that which happened in Rollsovar last week and manage to dash the brains of the Assassin Dictator against a wall.. Update: 09.05.06 - Why did the Assassin cross into Hulaferd? ... ... ... to loot on the other side! Yes thats right folks, as a result of the Assassins actions yesterday in both attacking and Looting Hulaferd on their way to Outer Tilog, Wetham has indeed declared war on the pitiful Guild. In response the Gazette has learned that Martin has denounced Asbjørn as "nothing more than a power hungry opportunist."
|
| Confusion leads to Foolishness | |
03.05.06 - Giblot's legendary fool MGRHA, led an assault on Hilly Holes personally today after suffering another of his rather frequent bouts of insanity. Sadly he managed to hoodwink a few young Nobles and his very own brother to come fight with him in a a battle not officially sanctioned by the current general, Orlak Karantatek. In the orders MGRHA gave to the offending troopleaders, he claimed the reason for the attack was boredom! How he dare claim this when he has a region choc full of dissidents that need to be executed and tortured for their crimes we simply don't know. I mean come on, does he have a functioning torture chamber or what?! In any case, Goergyboy de Militant was quick to fine MGRHA for his actions and also pardoned the troopleaders involved, many of whom did not know any better. In a valuable piece of advice by Sera on the matter, all new troopleaders have also been advised to never listen to a word MGRHA says. Ever. Update: Since the failed assault, MGRHA has claimed to be returning to his region of Drenga to kick it back into shape. However, here at the Giblot Gestapo Gazette we severely doubt whether he is even intelligent to read the road signs back to Drenga, let alone sentence criminals. |
| Moira Na Leodaich Killed in Rollsovar! | |
03.05.06 - Yesterday, the start of the new Tilogian Hunting season was marked in spectacular fashion by the death of Moira Na Leodaich, the Chancellor of Outer Tilog. In what has become a ritualistic tradition for the Tilogian people, Moira accompanied her troops in one of their classic assaults on Rollsovar. You know, the assaults with hopelessly outnumbered and splintered forces? Of course the result of the battle yesterday was no different to the result the last time they attacked Rollsovar. And the time before that, and the time before that..in fact I better stop now. The defeats of Outer Tilog would probably cover several issues. How exactly Moira was cut down in this latest battle is still largely a mystery. Some claim she was crushed underneath the rabble of Tilogians who tried to scale the Palisades, others say Archers on the walls picked her out as prime target due to the strong sense of decay coming from her direction. Personally I'm more fond of the story that as soon as Moira made it over the palisades, she received a crossbow bolt in the eye. Seconds before a javelin also found it's final resting place within Moira's broken body. Of course Moira is not the first Tilogian Council member to fall in a failed assault on Rollsovar. Despyria Eiryn, the Supreme Judge of Outer Tilog was also killed in a particularly suicidal assault on Rollsovar not so long ago. Despyria arrived alone to take on the full force of the Rollsovan militia. I hear that the mockery of a battle that followed was one of the best sessions of target practice the Rollsovan Archers had ever had! The full extent of what this latest death will do to the already fragile Giblot-Outer Tilog relations is not yet known. It has been revealed however, that Valast Hendrix, King of Lukon, had been secretly courting Moira before her death. Some have even whispered that he proposed to her just hours before she died in the unprovoked assault on Rollsovar. Being the cheerful paper we are we'd just like to send our condolences to Valast for the loss of his latest lover. The man has clearly had a rough time since we cast his last lover, Thanatos Reaver, out of Giblot and chased him from the continent. |
