Outer Tilog (Realm)/Welcome

Missive from our Dread Chancellor Dethargos:

Welcome to Outer Tilog! You have just stepped into an amazing adventure of epic proportions! That's right, that which you now clutch in your sweaty little hands is Official Outer Tilog Citizenship(TM), with all the perks that being a Citizen of Outer Tilog entails!

Carry your papers (I use the term 'paper' very loosely here) with you wherever you go. Without them, you'll be instantly arrested and executed by Outer Tilog's dedicated Guardsmen! Of course, in Outer Tilog, you will not refer to the guards as "Guardsmen". Their official name is "Outer Tilog's Sinister and Corrupt Police Force", but you may want to join the peasants in referring to them as "You Bloody Bastards". They serve a vital role in Outer Tilog society. For example, in a period where crime is law, they will sporadically riot and loot to ensure that crime is at a high enough level. Should somebody ever be given a fair trial, they will immediately execute everybody responsible. They are a vital part of the Outer Tilog system.

Now let me introduce you to the sights! Over there, towering high above the city walls, is the exceptionally high Tower of Tilog. I sit at the top watching over the world, occasionally sending out undead skeleton ravens made of bone to carry messages for me. Unfortunately, wings made of bone do not allow for flight, and so you may also note the crunchy carpet of raven bones surrounding my tower for a five hundred metre radius. There are almost ten million steps leading up to the tower. Some say that I'm counting them wrong, and that there are no more than five hundred, but my way of counting is special and better than everybody elses'.

You'll also notice that the walls themselves are not entirely slabs and mortar. Ever since the great Rock Shortage, we've had to improvise here and there, and so when one of the walls begins to talk to you it's merely because we used peasants to stuff in the gaps. Also, that really isn't red paint on some of the walls.

You may also want to entertain yourself in some of the seedier districts of Outer Tilogs. I've heard that a few of the nobles enjoy the local "The King's Head Tavern", which is in fact the head of a giant king that has been hollowed out and refurbished. I must advise you against visiting any of Outer Tilog's brothels, however, unless you really like to wake in the morning slightly pale, a little short on blood and prone to bursting into flame whenever the sun rises.

Marketplaces? Do we have marketplaces! Our bazaars and centres of trade are bustling, although I've never actually managed to figure out what the word 'bustling' means. Is it a beetle? I can imagine it might be. I'd say, "Hey! Get that bustling off my sleeve!" Then I'd hit it, because those bustlings, they bite. Anyway, the marketplaces! Nowhere else can you buy torture devices of such quality, or human body parts without breaking the law! Actually, technically you ARE breaking the law, ever since we passed that decree that breathing is illegal. Don't worry, though, we hardly ever bother to press charges.

As you walk the cobblestoned streets - except for when they're not cobblestones, but something else - you'll notice gutters running along each side. These are for the public executions and stonings, which are a major part of Outer Tilog life. If you look closely, you'll see the gutters ferry the blood that stains the streets around, just like stone veins! In fact, I'm not entirely sure where the blood goes. Actually, I seem to recall it went towards the brewery... never mind, I'm sure nothing suspicious is happening there.

Finally, you may want to get yourself acquainted with the people who run this city of delights. I am Chancellor, which is kind of like being ruler, only you don't get to do anything important. You should be able to see me in a crowd - I'm about five foot two, I have no visible face, and my hands are rather pale and thin to the point of actually being skeleton hands. Also, people tend to run when they see me. I have no idea why.

Lady Despyria can be tracked by the fermenting smell of her perfume. She is a typical Outer Tilog beauty - that is, if you look at her for too long, you will find your eyes have melted in upon themselves. She's very cruel and sadistic and would love nothing more than to put steel toothpicks in your nostrils, so I advice against starting conversation with her.

Our former general Woefix can usually be seen roaming the streets shouting abuse at people and breaking things. Don't go near him, he's been known to chase people for miles for no apparent reason. Angus is our brewer, and makes up for the fact that Outer Tilog's water is lethal with his amazing alcohol that for some reason seem to dissolve my ribcage. Zane is our Minister of Tourism who greets everybody who enters our realm by scaring the hell out of them, which is a very important job. Triodoccio is rather unhealthily attached to horses, and ...

(long pause)

Pen G'uin: Lost your train of thought there, brother?

Dethargos: Trains? Silly Pen G'uins, trains aren't going to be invented for another several thousand years! You and your time travelling, getting all mixed up and confusing this time period with some other time period.

Pen G'uin: I... I have no idea what you're talking about.

I just mean that you seemed to end your message rather abruptly.

Dethargos: Did not. You just stopped READING it abruptly. Don't go blaming me! Sure, I stabbed him, but it wasn't my dagger!

Pen G'uin: Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out.

Anyway, allow me to continue where my brother Dethargos left off. I am Pen G'uin, the only person in this realm who regularly bathes. I am, amazingly enough, related to Dethargos over there. You may find this hard to believe. Is it the fact I have skin and muscle tissue? Or the fact that it should chronologically be impossible to be related to the single oldest person on this continent short of the Lich King himself?

I represent the sunnier face of Outer Tilog. Despite the squalid horrors that will await you, if you are like me, you will wash them away each day with soap and emerge all shining and new. We have several battles in which we have held ourselves honourably, and our demonic reputation should not lead you to expect us to be completely depraved, irredeemably vile people. Except for Dethargos and the rest of his council, they really are beyond hope.

Should you dislike the butchery and savage crudeness of Outer Tilog, don't despair. Like me, you can put up with it and even take great pleasure in seeing the pained looks on their faces when you show up on the battlefield with brightly polished armour.