Outer Tilog (Realm)/Customer Service
Here in Outer Tilog, we are extremely proud of our astounding customer service. Even our bureaucrats deliver service simply unheard of elsewhere. We're so proud if it, we're going to post a few actual interactions we heard just this week.
Receptionist: Good morning sir. Welcome to the Ministry of Employment. How may I assist you?
Young Man: Yes. I would like to apply for a job.
R: I see. You're not from around here are you?
YM: No. I'm off to see the world and find my fortune! I'm passing through and need to earn a little gold to keep traveling.
R: Aha. You do realize you're in Outer Tilog?
YM: Yes. Why does that matter?
R: Why does it matter? (shakes her head sadly and sighs heavily) It matters a great deal.
YM: (Stares uncomprehendingly)
R: Young fellow, don't you know that in Outer Tilog the Ministry of Employment is an educational agency?
YM: (Blink, blink, blink)
R: You really don't understand, do you? This Ministry educates lords on how best to employ their slaves.
YM: Huh?
R: (Laughing) There are no "jobs" in Outer Tilog, silly boy. You're either a lord or a slave.
YM: (Sputtering) .... but I'm no lord!
R: (Smiles sweetly and eyes the young man speculatively) Thank you for clarifying that. If you're not a lord, you must be an escaped slave. Since I see no brand on your neck, you must be an unclaimed feral slave. Guard! Please remove this slave to my chambers and chain him up there.
YM: (Screaming incoherently as he is dragged off)
R: (Sighs wistfully) Oh my, this is going to be fun. I haven't broken a feral slave in years. So young and firm, too ... Next!
Receptionist: Greetings, sir. Welcome to the Ministry of Entertainment and Tourism. How may I help you?
Upset Father: (shouting) They just mutilated my precious daughter!
R: Please lower your voice, sir. What are you talking about?
UF: As a foreign citizen, I insist on filing a formal protest with your government and demand to be allowed to visit my homeland's embassy.
R: Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid the embassy has been eliminated ... err I mean closed due to an unfortunate ... eh ... accident involving a particularly flammable peasant who somehow ended up landing in a vat of lamp oil that had just been delivered to the embassy courtyard. I've heard the results were quite spectacular, but none of the delegation survived to give a firsthand account. We've been trying to open the gates, but they appear to have welded themselves shut in the incident.
UF: They stripped her naked and dragged her up onto the altar!
R: Ah yes. The Festival. Of course, sir. They had to make sure she was really a virgin, after all.
UF: They chained her down!
R: Oh, you are a truly fortunate man then! They only do that for the finest of virgins.
UF: (sobbing) They vivisected her!
R: This is Outer Tilog, sir. What were you expecting? Flowers and pretty little dances?
UF: (shouting) They made her eat her own liver while she bled to death on the altar you heartless fiend! (lunges over the counter at the receptionist)
WHAM!
R: (returns a large mace to its place under the counter) Guard, would you please remove the prisoner.
UF: (groggily) Huh? Wuzzat? Prithoner? (spits out a tooth)
R: Of course. You are guilty of several capital crimes under Outer Tilog law. Filing a Complaint with a Government Official in the 1st degree, for starters, is punishable by immediate summary execution. As is the punishment for attempting to visit a foreign embassy while visiting Outer Tilog. I'm feeling charitable this morning, so I'll drop the Assault on a Ministry Representative with its mandatory six weeks of torture before execution. Since your family has already provided us with so much entertainment, I think we can skip the torture and deliver you straight to the archery barracks for target practice.
UF: Gaaaaah!
R: This is Outer Tilog after all ... Next!