Aquilegia/Dynamic Mentor

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Disclaimer: As will be quickly apparent, this page is totally out-of character and should not be taken as an actual part of Aquilegia in-game. This is a (LAME, Lame, haha) attempt at some self-awareness. The information written does indeed apply to the game's mechanics, but do not believe any of this exists in-game.

Aquilegia's "Excellent" Mentor

'Hello! Welcome to the ATM, or the Aquilegian Tongue-in-Cheek Mentor service! I am Sir Lindhurst Amadeus Maximus Eldarius, or...' he gives you a chilling glare, 'If you truly do not value your life, then you may risk calling me Sir LAME. Do note that those skeletons I use for teaching the human skeletal system are real bones from people who called me by such a derisive name. What is so hard about my full name?!' He takes this moment while you are still silent to shake his fist at his calico cat, which responds with a lazy yawn.

'So anyways, let's get started with our lessons! Huzzah! Onwards to...hm, well onwards I suppose.'

Messaging

'Hey, if you can read and write, then this should be no problem for you! You can read and write, yes?' Sir Lindhurst looks at you expectantly with his bloodshot eyes.

You look at him with the expression most people have when they see him and hear him speak. You slowly nod.

'Good, he says. Then I only need to teach you the basics of your message types. Okay, now look here.' He takes out a sheet of blank paper. 'These are normal messages, written on normal white paper. You use these for just about anything and everything, and a messenger will automatically send it to the recipients involved. Also, don't worry about having to write multiple copies of the same messages for multiple recipients. Apparently we have some sort of magic ink and paper that can make their own copies.'

You give him a skeptical look.

'No, seriously. Watch, as I pen a letter to the entire Senate!' You watch him write, and you express some slight reaction to seeing the pages suddenly split apart and write on their own.

'Now for some reason normal messages, although written on white paper with black ink, appear as black pages with white ink when you receive them. Then again, the background is black anyway so maybe it's transparent? Or maybe...' he sticks his face close to yours, and says, 'Maybe you should reformat your computer's black and white settings?'

Suddenly a wooden sandal flies out of nowhere and hits Sir Lindhurst in the forehead. From a location concealed to you, you hear a high-pitched female voice yell, 'Stop breaking the wall!'

Sir Lindhurst recovers shortly, and acts as if he is used to this treatment. 'Right, sorry. Anyway, moving along now. These green papers allow you to express requests. You can request for gold, favors, votes, army movement, sex, controlled substances, an audience, etc. Note however that requests are simply that, and although usually honorable nobles are treated with courtesy by their peers, there is no obligation to answer any request. Next we have these blue papers. These are used when you wish to act the part of Captain Obvious, or to afford the response "No s--- Sherlock!", so it is perfect for those scout reports and in general, stating the obvious.'

You take this time to ask him who Captain Obvious and Sherlock are.

'Er,' he looks quickly behind you to see if any wooden sandals are flying in his face. 'Well, if your unit ever has those people among the men, you better abandon the unit. But we'll get there. Now, onwards to these red papers. Contrary to popular myth the red does not come from the blood of scribes, but something else. I don't know what, but it must be a controlled substance because reading these messages makes one obey, usually. Marshals tend to use these papers to brainwash the members of their armies to have the correct unit settings and to move as a superunit from region to region. But if used by people without the proper substances, the effect will just be ridicule.'

He now takes out some gold-colored papers. 'These represent your actions. Think about these as omnipresent and omniscient narrators. It seriously freaks me out.'

You ask why, and he shows you the gold paper: "Sir Lindhurst withdrew a golden sheet of paper, and with trembling hands that expressed his primal fear of the Roleplaying Message Type that could read his every thought and action, he presented it to the student. 'These represent your actions. Think about these as omnipresent and omniscient narrators. It seriously freaks me out,' he said in a quivering voice. Suddenly, the student saw the words appear on the golden paper, and looked on, apparently intrigued. Meanwhile, Sir Lindhurst wept in absolute terror at the awesome might of the Roleplaying Message Type."

Sir Lindhurst finally has had enough, and he throws away the sheet. 'Now, on to something more my style.' He takes out a gray paper. 'This, THIS!' he exclaims, 'This is the holy grail of all ATMs! This is the means by which we break free of our invisible bonds, the methods through which we become our own persons and not ghosts in a giant machine! I speak...of the OOC message type! Down with the Wall!'

Another wooden sandal hits Sir Lindhurst in the forehead. 'Okay, okay,' he says, 'So OOC messages should be used sparingly, as they literally break the fourth wall. That expresses how you, as the player, think about a certain thing, and not the character. And while characters can interact in nearly unrestrained ways, we must always respect each others as players. We are all real people who have real jobs, and families, and feelings. Also, cheating is bad. Don't do it.'

He then stands still, waiting for the next prompts.