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| − | '''Roleplay from Kaylan McDowell'''
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| − | It had taken some time to return, and when they arrived in the capital Fiona had been reluctant to leave her. After some convincing and Kaylan’s promise that she would write daily letters to ease her mind, she had finally agreed to let her be.
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| − | Kaylan slipped off Kennocha’s back and looked around Oligarch with saddened eyes. It was exactly as she left it, yet it was all different somehow. Everything just seemed wrong. The streets were bustling with people, but seemed empty to her. Ghosts of a past she hardly even remembered, a happier time from a stranger’s life.
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| − | Walking forward she held on to the reins and clicked her tongue for her horse to follow. She walked aimlessly for she had no idea where to go from this point on. What was she supposed to do anyway? Make an announcement that she had returned, did anyone even know she had been gone, except for the people that really mattered. Alec, KatalynFae, and…Malcolm.
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| − | She passed her lower lip through her teeth letting out a trembling sigh. Maybe she should have written to Malcolm, at least to let him know she was alive. She had resolved herself to, and welcomed death, knowing she would never see him again but now... Embracing anger and indifference to numb the pain she had put aside the most important things to her. How did someone pick up the pieces of their lives?
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| − | What had she really been afraid of? To find out that he had moved on without her? That according to Dalvax he had rushed into the arms of the first whore he came across? She shook her head at the thought and visibly cringed. It seemed when that monster had told her those words she had begun to break. Her doubts had grown from there. Were Malcolm’s promises of love just simple words and the minute she was no longer in his life, he would take the first opportunity to leave?
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| − | Her blue eyes burned at the thought but she refused to let the emotion show. She had been a coward, opting to disappear and try to escape the inevitable pain. She had no one to blame but herself. She would find out soon enough when she saw him again.
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| − | Then there was Alec. She actually missed her sometimes self-centered cousin. He may have been annoying but he never failed to make her smile when he thought she needed it.
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| − | So far, Fontan seemed to have remained intact, that could only mean military wise something good had occurred. Being away for such a long period of time, she was behind on current news. Something else she would need to remedy.
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| − | Perhaps a letter wouldn’t be the best option after all, considering the circumstances… She would have to make a point to visit each personally. She owed them that much at least. Even if… She didn’t want to finish the thought. It hurt too much to think of her life without him in it. She would search out Alec first. Easiest first…
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| − | '''Roleplay from Alec McDowell'''
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| − | Alec removed his tunic and set it on his cot. He rolled his shoulders and worked his stiff neck. He was still young, but lately he seemed to have aged well beyond his years. Grief, remorse and guilt had a way of doing that to people. He turned to look for fresh clothes and his hand froze on the unopened chest.
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| − | Without a sound, someone had appeared in his tent and he was about to say something and forgot everything when he looked up to her face. Her blue eyes were just as blue as he remembered, piercing with intelligence. Her facial expression seemed harder, changed. One thing seemed out of place, her once long flowing red hair was shorter. No matter she had always been a rare beauty. “Kaylan,” he said her name softly.
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| − | She seemed to have stepped out of a dream and she wasn’t returning to it. Either that or he wasn’t waking, was he even sleeping? He didn’t remember going to sleep. Even though he seemed paralyzed, he managed to straighten himself. He blinked once, twice and his mouth dropped slowly.
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| − | “You’re not real,” he whispered with shock and took a step back. She didn’t move but something flashed in her blue eyes. Impatience? That would be like her. How he missed her snappy flair, her quick wit. “I’m sorry Alec,” she apologized in a soft voice and he frowned, that was very unlike her.
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| − | Was he delusional to the point that he was having waking dreams now? Recreating the things he missed about her? But why in the world would he recreate her with shorter hair and words of apology of all things, and to him of all people.
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| − | “That’s it, I’ve gone mad,” he muttered. His mind had finally snapped. He couldn’t accept the truth and he had resorted to fabricating people out of thin air. “I’m going to wake and this won’t be real,” he pointed at her.
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| − | “I don’t even know why I would like your hair shorter… it’s just, just… and why are you apologizing?” he asked suddenly and shook his head as if interrupting himself. “I’m the one who should be sorry. If I hadn’t been too busy frolicking with…too absent minded to take my charge seriously…then maybe” he looked up to the ceiling and his lips trembled. He had to make amends to her somehow, to make peace with himself any way he could and this was his only chance, no matter if she was an apparition.
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| − | “I’m sorry Kaylan for not protecting you like I should have. We tried, but when we got there… there was nothing… and there was so much blood…” he chocked on the word and took a deep breath. “We were…” his hands closed into fists, “we were too late…” he finished with a broken voice and when he looked at her, his hazel eyes pooled with tears. “I’m so sorry,” he said again and looked away. “Please forgive me, I promised I would change and…
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| − | '''Roleplay from Kaylan McDowell'''
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| − | He was exactly like she remembered, but slightly different. His blond hair was longer, slightly unkempt. Dark circles adorned his eyes and the easy smile was nowhere in sight. And something else, his shoulders slightly dropped as if he was carrying too large a weight.
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| − | The guilt she felt suddenly weighed her down even more and her eyes watered at his words. He seemed to be falling apart at the sight of her and now she couldn’t believe the state she had forced him in. Of all the things she could have done, she had caused him immense grief and pain. She had believed he wouldn’t care one way or another, that his attention would be all too easily diverted but she had been terribly wrong.
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| − | He never finished what he was saying because she closed the distance between them and carefully took his hand. “I’m so sorry for selfishly giving you a burden that wasn’t yours to carry,” she whispered with a small shake of her head. She pulled her hand back, trying to ignore the fear in her stomach. The skin contact was brief but enough that he would feel how real she was.
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| − | “You’re really here,” he said with awed reverence and she nodded.
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| − | “I’m real Alec and I’m not leaving again,” she promised and he looked up at her. “We thought you were dead… we…Mal…” he stopped talking and his eyes grew bigger with a strangled expression. “The ba…” he looked down at her and quickly looked up, closing his mouth with a small pop and his lips turned white.
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| − | She looked away then, pretending she didn’t hear the words that burned her ears. “I know… Fiona found me, she was almost too late. We escaped and she took care of me, I owe her my life.”
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| − | “Well that answers my next question,” he then returned to the chest and slipped on some clothes.
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| − | She sat on the cot and pressed both hands to her leggings. “I have a lot of explaining to do…” she let the words trail off but didn’t continue. “I…don’t know where to go from here Alec,” she admitted sadly and he sat beside her. “I’ve been found, yet I feel so lost.”
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| − | '''Roleplay from Alec McDowell'''
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| − | “All that matters is that you’re alive and well,” he said quickly still with a bit of awe by her presence. He put his arm around her attempting to comfort her by bringing her closer but she flinched at his touch. She quickly moved away and rose to stand uncomfortably away from him, all the while trying to make it seem a deliberate movement on her part.
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| − | “Kaylan,” he said her name with confusion. “What happened?” he asked with concern and she brought her hand to her mouth and chewed her thumbnail.
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| − | “I was captured,” she shrugged. “They were taking me to Gronak when Fiona rescued me. She waited until nightfall and we escaped through the cover of darkness,” she said quickly and her blue eyes looked away trying to focus on anything but his face. “We were in the mountains all winter and we wanted to make sure the threat was completely gone before we returned.”
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| − | He had noticed her previous reaction to him, how could he not? But he didn’t say anything and watched her curiously. He gave another calculating gaze at her demeanor and grew silent. It was true, she had returned alive and well, but how much of the Kaylan he remembered had survived the mysterious ordeal. More importantly how much was she hiding? Did she forget, she was talking to him, in his own right he was master of deception and lies, he could tell one a mile away.
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| − | His eyes then tightened and after a while spoke, “there is no threat left. Malcolm…<i>we</i> made sure of that,” he added softly and rose to stand in front of her and she took a step back at his proximity.
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| − | “Good,” she said absently and her eyes darted around the tent, like a deer looking to run for cover. “Good,” she repeated and circled around him to stand near the entrance.
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| − | There was a moment of absolute silence, her eyes darted around the room again and she subconsciously touched her wrists and his facial expression darkened at the unsightly scars she had tried to disguise until her nervousness made her forget. He wouldn’t force her to talk about it, but he knew a lot more had happened than she let on.
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| − | “How is he?” she finally asked, the question seemed to take every effort on her part and her hands reached up to her flat abdomen. Her fingers bunched up as if concealing a phantom pain and her eyes lost focus as if reliving a nightmare.
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| − | He had never expected this moment to come, less that he would be the one to break the news and break her heart doing it. He tried to remember the strong Kaylan he had watched growing up but she appeared too delicate now. He wanted to, but he knew he couldn’t lie to her, not now. He owed it to her, as much as himself, not after what he had just lived with.
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| − | “Kaylan… Malcolm is…” He wanted to close his eyes to avoid the look of pain he knew would come any moment but gave her a compassionate look instead, “it was a short while ago. He never said anything. I only heard of it. He left...”
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| − | '''Roleplay from Kaylan McDowell'''
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| − | She couldn’t hear the rest of his words and her inside twisted with agony. Her limbs froze and she avoided moving for fear that she would fall to the ground in a heap when her legs failed her. She forced back the large lump in her throat and endured the burning sensation of tears threatening to well up.
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| − | On the outside she appeared to be calm and unmoved by his words, a real live statue. Deep down what had been left of her really did break at that moment, crumbling with the remainder of her heart.
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| − | “Oh,” she said weakly. She couldn’t endure the look of pity he gave her and swallowed. “Oh,” she said with more strength and this time he did approach her, arms reaching for her and she raised her hands to stop him. She was a mixture of heartache, anger and strangely a growing numbness. “No,” she said simply, her breath now becoming ragged.
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| − | Alec sighed and pulled out his chair. He made sure to keep his distance without her noticing and waved for her to sit. “Kayly… we need to talk. Please?” he said tenderly and she shook her head.
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| − | “No, everything is fine,” she smiled bravely and waved his offer off. “I actually have a lot of things to get to,” she said quickly and chuckled. “It’s amazing how much your life falls apart when you vacate it for a while.”
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| − | He seemed unconvinced and she flashed him a wide smile, showing her teeth. “It’s fine, really Alec. I get it. Malcolm is gone. He was bound to leave sooner or later,” she said matter of fact, but her voice shook with her next words, “the truth is, I don’t know why he stayed this long,” she whispered the last as the lump set and shrugged but the tightness in her neck hurt.
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| − | She smiled sadly now and forced her next words, “as long as he’s happy. Doesn’t matter what I want now does it? I’m the one who left him,” her voice broke and she swallowed painfully and looked back.
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| − | “I should really return,” she finished and left without waiting for him to add anything, she couldn’t stay there a moment longer, she couldn’t breathe. She had thought she had been through the fire, but that was nothing compared to what she felt now.
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| − | She looked around trying to find her way back but she couldn’t recognize the faces or the area around her. Everything around her blurred and no longer held any meaning. Her eyes could no longer hold the tears in them and she wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand. She stumbled blindly, holding back her quiet sobs. It didn’t matter where she ended up now, it wouldn’t make a difference. She had sunk as low as she ever could and nothing would ever be able to take her out now.
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| − | Kaylan was truly no more, what had been left of her that could be salvaged, he had taken with him.
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| − | She miraculously made it to her room and crumbled at the foot of the bed. “Mal…colm,” she chocked on his name and cried mournfully, breaking down as any woman would when she realized she had nothing else to live for. With one idiotic, instinctive will to run from everything that terrified her, she had lost everything. Who she was, her pride, her honor, her home, her friends, her unborn child… and her only love.
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| − | '''Roleplay from Kaylan McDowell'''
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| − | The sounds of people beginning their day came through her window and Kaylan began to slowly wake. She tried to blink the sleep from her eyes but they burned and she squinted instead. She looked around the room. She was still on the floor and leaned against the bed. Her body had grown, heavy, numb, but the fire in her stomach remained, still burning. She moaned with grief, buried her face in her palms, but there were no tears left this morning.
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| − | She looked over to the door, and then the window with the bright light filtering through announcing a beautiful day. She glared unhappily and climbed into the bed. She slid under the blankets and would stay there the remainder of the day.
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| − | She didn’t even bother to write Fiona to let her know how she was, she had no will to move. It would be nice if a scribe miraculously appeared to take word to her sister. At this thought she sat up square in bed. “Logan,” she whispered her scribe’s name and breathed faster.
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| − | She had left Logan in Malcolm’s care, fearing for his life. She had known if anyone would take care of him with as much care as she had it would have been Malcolm. He wouldn’t leave a boy behind to fend for himself, would he? Or had he kept true to his word that he would take care of him. While she had promised that as soon as the threat and chaos in her life were over she would return to Malcolm and fetch Logan personally… That had been the exchange of words but so much had happened since then.
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| − | Now that thought made her want to break down with fresh tears but she fought as hard as she could. She knew she could never keep that promise now. She didn’t even know where Malcolm had left to. Perhaps Alec knew but why would she willingly throw herself in that situation knowing it would most likely end badly, but Logan…
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| − | Slowly lowering back into the bed and covered her head with the blanket, shutting the world out. She didn’t eat, or drink, she never came back out.
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| − | She stayed there lost in thought, some were filled with his blue eyes, his voice, his touch, moments of laughter… then others transformed to brutality and pain and horrible images of gore.
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| − | She replayed old conversations, tender words shared in the middle of the night, promises made to each other, and then remembered the screams that replaced the softness, always fluctuation from happiness to agony.
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| − | The more she stayed, the number she slowly became.
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| − | '''Roleplay from Kaylan McDowell'''
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| − | Kaylan sat, staring out at the dark green canvas with empty eyes. Her Captain entered her tent and a small gust of air touched her face. Her eyes darted in his direction but she made no outward movement to show she was aware of his presence.
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| − | He didn’t say anything as was their routine now. She stared off into nothing and he left his report on the nearby table. Out of respect he gave her a courtesy nod but wasn’t actually sure she even noticed. At first he had attempted to talk to her but soon gave up trying, for all intents and purposes she was a shell of a shell.
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| − | The tent flap closed and the silence filled the tent once more.
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| − | No matter how she appeared on the outside, Kaylan was extremely aware – too aware.
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| − | She was sensitive to every movement that surrounded her, every voice, every person, she was just outwardly unresponsive.
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| − | The anger and fear were her constant companions. They pulsed and fluctuated inside of her with frightening regularity. Her only concern was to still them as much as she could and hope they would go away before she reacted on them.
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| − | She never voiced anything aloud she just allowed the heavy silence within her to keep growing instead.
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| − | Although rarely small things crept through the shell: Laughter. She found herself holding her breath at the sound but then realized it wasn’t the one she was searching for. She noticed smiles but they never warmed her. Strangely she had heard something only the previous night… singing. It was from someone she didn’t even know save by the eerie familiarity of his voice. She even remembered the specific moment she had heard it. It stirred from a memory she had buried so deep that when it came back to her it gouged a hole so deep she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move.
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| − | She used to enjoy singing. She had only sung for one person in her life… only allowed people to hear her once… and they would never hear her again.
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| − | She had endured the brief agony and closed herself off, she had blocked every sound out after that. What had flared for a brief moment, quickly subsided back into nothingness.
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| − | When she was sure her Captain was truly gone, she got up and walked to the table. She picked up the report and read it. Satisfied, she lowered it and took up her orders again. This was all she had now.
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| − | When the announcement was made, she quickly put her name forward to join the Lions. Deep down, she had been desperate for a distraction; something to keep her mind busy. She had gotten her wish.
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| − | It was time to move now. She prepared everything necessary and joined her men. She sat atop Kennocha and led the way. Gripping the reins with one hand, her other rested on her sword with a death grip. Her war bow was nowhere in sight, she had put it away with the rest of her memories. She rode towards the comfort of rage and darkness again.
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